July 2 – Flip the Script

“We accept the love we think we deserve” ― Stephen Chbosk

Sometimes we get caught up in thinking about or planning the day. We run through scenarios about how things will go, what people will say, and how we will react. These are fictions that we have created in our minds. The more strongly we hold to them, the more we look for their confirmation or denial in reality. This means that a great day might be seen as terrible, merely because it deviated from our script. More importantly, we may look to confirm negative thoughts or beliefs about ourselves and others.
When we remember that something greater than us is the author of the script of our lives, we can relax control and accept life as life happens. We might even find that people love us in ways we did not expect, great and unexpected things might happen, and we might surprise ourselves in how we react when we have surrendered control.

Today, let me let go of my expectations. Let me ask my Higher Power to direct and be comfortable just playing my role. Let me be conscious of all the ways in which we might accept and receive love.

July 3 – Perspective

“To live till you die
is to live long enough” – Dao De Jing

In our active addiction, many of us both leaned into and recoiled from life in a violent cycle. We would over-commit then retreat to isolation – max-out then collapse. This tendency in addicts to take on more than we might reasonably be expected to was showcased in our substance use. While some people could have three drinks and stop, we would keep using. While some could call it a night at 10 pm, we would be the last people leaving. Then, when folks would go to work the next morning, we would call in sick, avoid plans, or stew in our shame. These are related. The desire to do more, as if there is a limit on life, led us to pull away as often as we engaged and to do so only when mood-altering.
Without substances, it turns out we can engage in more meaningful ways. This will look different for each of us. Some of us will remain or become highly social beings, others will find that less socializing suits our interests better. The important thing is balance. We find that it is not always clear and that the balance will look different for each of us at different times in our lives. The thought we hold onto is that however we are living, if we are engaging with the recovery community and participating in service, that is enough.

Today, I ask my Higher Power to show me the ways in which, by slowing down, I am living enough life. I pray that I might see, in others and myself, that more is not better. May I find contentment in the balance that I am navigating.

July 4th – What We Control

“It does not matter what you bear, but how you bear it” – Seneca

Addicts are often over-reachers. We seek some modicum of control in our lives by attempting to control our environs and those around us. This is often juxtaposed against the lack of control we have over our use and ourselves while using. As we begin recovery, we realize that the control we so desperately cling to is illusory. We have no control over those around us, merely over ourselves. In community we learn to manage those aspects of ourselves that are manageable and accept powerlessness over those aspects that are in the hands of others and our Higher Power.
While many things may happen to us throughout a day, a week, a month, a year, none are bad per se; rather, they are merely events in our lives. The death of a loved one may be sad, but in the sadness we may celebrate their life and what they meant to us or we may let it debilitate us. The loss of a job may be frustrating and produce anxiety; however, we may be offered an opportunity to pursue something new, better, different, etc or we may be paralyzed by it.

Today, let me be in control of what I have control over; namely, the narratives I create about the world around me. Let me let go of all those things that I do not control – other people, the weather, traffic, etc. and choose how I interpret those things. Let me not judge the broader world as good or bad, and see that my decisions about how I react are either efficacious to my recovery or self-defeating. I ask my Higher Power to help me choose wisely.

July 5th – Gift or Curse?

“Life's harder, the deeper you feel things … Feelings, who needs them? Sometimes they're like a gift, when you feel love or happiness. Sometimes they're a curse” – John Marsden

Many of us were surprised when we first joined the recovery community. So many of our peers were like us – sensitive, intuitive, compassionate, thoughtful. This seems to be basis for addiction; that is, we, as addicts, are like normal people only more so. We feel more. We think more. We live more. We love more. We hurt more. In a world without a recovery community, many of us, in our active addiction, found this to be too much. This was the basis for much of our numbing out. It was overwhelming and we felt spurned by a world that told us: “calm down”, “stop overreacting”, “you're crazy”.
In recovery we discovered that we merely had something extra. Amongst other recovering addicts we found fun joy, love, laughter, companionship. Most importantly, we found other people who were more so than the non-addicts in our lives. Much like faith and fear being two sides of the same coin, active addiction and addiction in recovery are two sides of a coin as well. A gift or a curse? That will depend on your choice. For many of us in recovery, this meant we spent less time, money, and resources tracking down, planning, isolating, and using our substance of choice. This meant we were able to engage – clear headed – in the world around us and find passion and connection. While it is absolutely reasonable to lament the loss of our substance use – many of us grieve seriously – it is akin leaving a toxic relationship. Having experienced the lows, we are able to appreciate the highs.

Today, let me choose to see my addiction as a gift. It is a gift that allows me to connect with others in the recovery community. It is a gift that has allowed me to experience life more fully. It is a gift whose cost is that I may never pay for, or waste time with, substances again. Today let me be grateful that I am in recovery.

July 6 – Transformation

“Pain transforms, because if you delve into your pain, you will see that what you experience is love. True love” – The Midnight Gospel

There are always multiple ways to view an issue. As addicts we often have a history of being rigid in our interpretations. Being self-centred, we often play the victim. This tendency to be the focal point and to give up our agency has led us astray on many occasions. When we were fired from our jobs for absenteeism, it was “the fault of our vindictive boss”. When a partner left us due to our behaviour, it was because “they couldn't handle us being ourselves”. When friends withdrew due to our usage, it was “because they abandoned us”. There is, however, another way.
In recovery we find that, by opening up and becoming vulnerable, we can connect with our peers in ways we never thought possible. This connection breaks down our self-centredness. We look to the similarities rather than differences in our experiences and start to shake off our rigidity. We start to take responsibility for our actions and their impacts. What many of us discover is that the fear around responsibility was a fear of pain. This fear of pain or rejection had stopped us from loving and being loved. This does not mean that we will not be hurt on occasion. However, in being hurt, we know that we have experienced love.

Today, may I remember that I am worthy to give and receive love. May I remember that to love is to take risks. May my Higher Power grant me the strength to be vulnerable, to take responsibility for my actions and my feelings. Today, may my pain be transformed.

July 7 – Stillness

“In the unnamed, in the unshapen,
is not wanting.
In not wanting is stillness,
In stillness all under heaven rests” – Dao De Jing

Being frantic has felt like a default for many of us. Searching tirelessly for certainty has often immobilized us. Fear of risks has kept us in many painful situations. This is a story all to common for addicts. Our search for certainty – which we think will bring us peace – leaves us constantly looking for something elusive and ethereal. There seems to be no certainty. We are asking for the impossible.
In recovery many of us find that the certainty we seek is readily available. It is a different kind of certainty than we craved in our active addiction. It is the certainty that, with the help of our Higher Power, there is nothing that life can present us with that we can't handle. It is the certainty that we have value and – if we remain open, honest and willing – we will be presented with opportunities to contribute.
The opportunities we will be presented with may not be the ones we had envisioned. If we are tied to our expectations or our vision for our own lives, we will miss these opportunities. There is peace in letting go of the reins and having faith. At the very least, we can always contribute at meetings or engage in acts of service.

Today, may I trust in my Higher Power to provide opportunities for me to contribute. May I let go of my will to control and be open to the stillness that this brings. May I be certain that life will not present me with anything that I cannot handle. With the help of my Higher Power and the recovery community may I find rest.

July 8 – What we don't see

“The good the truly good do
has no end in view.
The right the very righteous do
has an end in view.” – Dao De Jing

Addicts tend to be futurizers. We love to look to the end, to imagine how everything will turn out, to work to the goal. This can lead us to procrastination – since we feel we can never live up to the goals we have set out – or to avoid trying things at all. We become afraid of making mistakes and often compare ourselves: “Why should I even bother with art? I will never be as good as _____”; “There is no point in going to school now, everyone has a 10 year head start on me”; “I can't start a business, look at how sure of themselves local business owners are!”.
This is a trap. This is the addict mind in full swing. A little self-doubt is reasonable. There is something called impostor syndrome that all of us get in new roles or jobs; however, the successes we see on the surface come with a lot of failures. The great artist is great because she has painted many duds. The successful biologist may have dropped out of school in her 20's and came back in her 30's. The local business owner may have had half a dozen failed businesses before becoming successful.
Taking risks means being open to failing. It is what we do with the failure that will keep us in recovery. Are we trying to meet a particular vision of the future? Does any deviation from this vision mean we are failures? Or, do we go out and engage in life, trusting that our Higher Power will carry us through any eventuality? Are there ways in which “failing” at a given goal may actually be life-affirming? Is there value is merely trying?

Today, I will ask my Higher Power to help me to do the truly good thing and engage. I will let go of my own ideas of what the right thing is. I will consider all of the “failures” that brought any successful person to where they currently are. Today, I will be open to “failure”.

July 9 – Basics

“Jade is praised as precious,
but its strength is being stone” – Dao De Jing

It can be easy to forget who we are when life becomes stressful and overwhelming. As addicts we have a tendency to associate our value with our products, successes, esteem of peers, etc. When in our active addiction we often based our value on other's perceptions of us. This is a fool's errand. Our value comes from within.
In recovery we find ourselves looking at others. We can see their accomplishments and become jealous. We can see their successes and become envious. We can see their triumphs and become defeatist. We all have a different path, different outcomes, and different timelines. It is important to remind ourselves that we have value because we are children of God. That is, regardless of our accomplishments, triumphs and successes, we are worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of hope, worthy of compassion.
Especially in the age of social media it is easy to see others' facades and notice all the ways their lives seem superior to our own. It is important to remember that, at our base, we are all valuable because of what we share in common, we are human beings – that is our strength.

Today, I will ask my Higher Power to help me remember my strength. I will notice if I compare myself to others. I will tell myself as many times as is needed today: “I am Worthy”.

July 10 – Who Knows Best

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” – Pema Chödrön

My mother once asked a man, who had declared that he did not believe in God, “what God is it that you do not believe in?” The man proceeded to describe a vengeful, self-important, judging God. My mother responded: “Great! I do not believe in that God either”.
When starting recovery some of us have trouble with the language of “God” or “Higher Power”. What the story above points out is that it is often not spirituality that is the problem, but our desire to be right. If we enter the program thinking that we know what God or a Higher Power is, we may be unable to find it. This is less a lack of spiritual capacity than it is a stubbornness in our own sense of certainty. It can be helpful to remember where our certainty led us in the throws of our active addiction.
Rather than struggle with the language of God and Higher Power, we try to let go of any “certainties” we hold. While a new member may not believe in a God, chances are they are not alone in that disbelief; however, if they are open to what others in recovery believe in, they may be pleasantly surprised.

Today, let me let go of my preconceived notions, particularly about things I have strong emotional reactions to. Let me be open to being proven wrong in wonderful and constructive ways. Let me embrace the uncertainty that life presents and trust that I will be able to handle whatever may come.

July 11 – Piece or Peace?

“Don’t demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them to. Accept events as they actually happen. That way peace is possible” – Epictetus

Many of us in recovery do Step One every day. While this may not be necessary for everyone, the reason for it is worth reflecting on.
Our powerlessness over addiction is easy to forget in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. When we do not carry this with us, it is easy to forget that we are powerless over others' actions as well. When we forget this, it is easy to think we have control. When co-workers are late, when our boss passes over us for a promotion, when our partner is distant, when our neighbour gets a new car, when the baby just won't get to sleep! These are all opportunities to remember that all of these things are outside of our control. We may talk to our co-worker, but never change their behaviour. We might bring up our qualifications to our Boss (or even quit, if we think it is merited) but will never change her mind. We might try to connect with our partner or find out what is wrong, but we will never make them be present. We may be jealous of our neighbour or fantasize about the nice car, but unless we can afford it, we will not manifest a fancy car. We may comfort and console the baby, but we will never make him stop crying and go to sleep.
Letting go of those little pieces of control – they are ultimately illusory – and accepting life on life's terms is the only way to achieve peace.

Today let me notice those pieces of my life that I am under the illusion that I can control. Let me remember that I only control my actions and reactions. Let me remember that my Higher Power holds the reigns. Let me look to the support of my recovery community and the love of my Higher Power and remember, I have everything I need. Today let me be at peace.

July 12 – All is Temporary

“Everything comes and goes in life. Happiness and unhappiness are temporary experiences that rise from sense perception. Heat and cold, pleasure and pain, will come and go. They never last forever. So, do not get attached to them. We have no control over them” – Krishna

We have this cultural idea that “permanence” is a good thing. We “should” be happy; as if that is a perpetual state. We “should” be comfortable, as if we can ever learn without discomfort. We live in a world of many “should”s and much emphasis on a permanence that doesn't exist.
In order to feel those happy moments, we need the contrasting moments of sadness. Life is the living moments in-between and through these changing states. They are not “good” or “bad”, they merely are. In letting go of our judgements and letting go of the desire for permanence, we can face what each day brings, enjoying change – for change is life.

Today, let me enjoy change. May I be more present to the changing world around me and, with help from my Higher Power, acknowledge that I have no control over it. Today, may I lean into change and let go of attachments.

July 13 – Will

“The willing are led by fate, the reluctant dragged” – Cleanthes

In our active addiction we often thought we knew what we wanted and knew best how to get it. Most of us ended up alone in a basement, a garage, a bedroom, etc. using by ourselves and alienating those around us. Clearly, we are not the best judges of what we want or how to get it. Even in recovery, some of us still slip back into this thinking.
There are many times in recovery where we will want something, ask our Higher Power to help, and bring it up within the community. Many of us find that we have our needs met, but often in ways we did not anticipate, expect, or even conceive of.
By trusting that our Higher Power will take care of our needs, as long as we just take the next best step, many of us are surprised at how quickly everything falls into place. The lesson that may take some time in early recovery, is that we truly are powerless, but our Higher Power and working a solid program will take care of the big things, as long as we take care of the little things.
When we are going through a career change, or we are tight on money, or we are going through a break-up, the world can seem overwhelming. If we take care of the little things: going to meetings, cleaning the apartment/house, exercising, reaching out to our sponsor, eating well, etc. we find that the big things work themselves out. For the big things are truly out of our control.

Today, let me trust that my Higher Power will take care of the big things, and let me meet the small challenges with grace, dedication and patience.

July 14 – Self

“Which is nearer,
name or self?
Which is dearer,
self or wealth?
Which gives more pain,
loss or gain?” – Dao De Jing

In our active addiction, many of us would proclaim: “this is who I am! I cannot change!”.
We lived in a shadow of our own making. But in recovery we begin to see that we were many people – we wore many masks. The thinking that can be difficult to let go of is thinking rooted in shame.
There is no reason that we should define ourselves by the worst of our actions, any more than we should define ourselves by the best. It can be difficult to let go of reputation, status, or material success; however, we know that these are not our medicine. Our medicine is spiritual.
The reality is that our selves are ever-changing. In changing they are constant, because they are us. We have the capacity to live up to our greatest potential or to return to our active addiction and all the harm it caused. Neither of these is the real us. As human beings the best we can expect ourselves to do at any given moment is the best that we can in that moment.

Today, let me remember that I am human. I often make mistakes. I am more than the sum of my decisions. Let my Higher Power help me to make the best decisions that I can and remind me that my best is not a constant. Let me be patient and compassionate with myself. Let me make mistakes and own them.

July 15 – What is Called for?

“To be comfortable in the cold, keep moving;
to be comfortable in the heat, hold still;
to be comfortable in the world, stay calm and clear.” – Dao De Jing

As addicts, we tend to have strong black or white, binary, thinking. It gives us a strong sense of justice and often motivates us to act. This is not a good nor a bad thing, it is merely a particular way to move through the world. In our active addiction, it is the tool that the addict brain uses to isolate and deflect.
When we start to work a program, many of us feel a bit lost without the sense of (misplaced) certainty that we are used to. It can be tempting to set a high bar for our recovery. The energy we get from committing to a life of sobriety can instigate a lot of planning. Often times it is too much. A skill that takes a lifetime to master is learning how to hold balance.
It is great to get to all those things that we have neglected in our active addiction. It is also important to be still. To sit and relax, to reflect, and to hold stillness. Remember that busy-ness can be as addictive as any substances.

Today, let me acknowledge when I need to get moving and when I need to be still. Let my Higher Power grant me clarity and calmness in all that I face. Let me trust in my community and acknowledge the comfort that they bring me.

July 16 – Managing Desire

“The greatest evil: wanting more.
The worst luck: discontent.
Greed's the curse of life.

To know enough's enough
is enough to know” – Dao De Jing

In active addiction many of us found ourselves always wanting more. We were chasing a longer, bigger, better high/drunk. Much of our frustration came from suffering the consequences and never feeling content. We paid the price but never achieved what we set out to achieve. We were in a never ending chase that left our lives unmanageable.
In recovery many of us employ daily mantras: “I have everything I need right now” or “God has provided, if I am open”. These daily mantras can be helpful, because it is not always easy to let go of our desires. As addicts we are bad at self-regulation. These mantras help us to come to believe these things are true. It is important to remember that this is a process and we are human. Taking steps, be it a gratitude list or a phrase to repeat, to calm the voice of desire within can help us find serenity.

Today, let me recognize my inner voice that craves more. Let me acknowledge this voice and, with the help of my Higher Power, let it go. Let me recognize that enough is enough and know that with confidence.

July 17 – Expectations

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response” – Viktor Frankl

In our active addiction, negative thinking dominated most of our lives. Whether it was negative self-talk or it was cynicism about others, we used negative thinking to justify our use. Stopping using, however, did not stop this pattern of thinking.
In recovery, one of the major challenges is to change the way we think. In changing our thinking we begin to change the way we act. In changing the way we act, we can begin to change our character.
It is not easy to live in that space of choice. One tool that may be helpful, is recognizing that we react to our own expectations. If we expect people to act poorly, we can find instances of it and be right. If we expect people to act well, we can find instances of it and be right. The human mind is subject to confirmation bias – we find what we are looking for. In knowing this, we have the space to make a change. Because we can be right on either count, there is an opportunity to make a choice. To choose how we view the world. We may humbly choose empathy and compassion, or arrogantly choose cynicism and judgement – there are real consequences to these choices.

Today, let me choose to see how and when people act well. Let my Higher Power help me see others' good intentions. Let me not dwell on ways in which they have “failed”, but focus on their efforts and successes.

July 18 – What's the Fuss?

“So you arrive at not doing.
You do nothing and nothing's not done.

To run things,
don't fuss with them.
Nobody who fusses
is fit to run things” – Dao De Jing

It is important to remember Step One – everyday we experience powerlessness. Surrendering our will and surrendering our thoughts do not always happen simultaneously. Often we can surrender our will, but begrudgingly or worriedly.
In our active addiction we tried to control everything. In recovery we begin to trust that the control is not ours, and that is a good thing. Our Higher Power is much more suited to control than we are.
Surrendering our will, many of us found ourselves still fretting about outcomes. We had given up control, but not the running commentary. Accepting that our Higher Power will take care of the big things, if we take care of the small ones, does not help us stop worrying about how our Higher Power will do so. We have surrendered but not yet found peace. If we think of our thoughts as actions – thinking is doing – then surrender becomes a much larger ask. It is a defect of character to hold on to our fussing.

Today, let me surrender completely. Let me trust that my Higher Power will run things precisely how they need to be run. Let me stop fussing and do the next right thing, knowing that holding peace will mean that “nothing's not done”.

July 19 – Would you Rather be Right or Happy?

“They're good to good people
and they're good to bad people.
Power is goodness.
They trust people of good faith
and they trust people of bad faith.
Power is Trust.” – Dao De Jing

There is an old saying: “Would you rather be right or happy?” In our active addiction most of us would choose right, every time. This preference does not end when we stop using. It is a facet of our addict minds that we be right to assert our worth. We struggled with valuing ourselves and so found reasons to value ourselves and assure that others valued us as well.
In recovery we are freed from this need to be right, because we find that we have value independent of our performances or productions. In the fellowship we are loved by others until we come to love ourselves. We become happy in relation to how willing we are to be wrong, or to let others be right. We find our value in being human – humans make mistakes.
We find power in our capacity to love by others. We find power in trusting others. Does this mean we will always be loved reciprocally? Does this mean we will never have our trust broken? No; however, it does mean that we do not need to bear the burden of constantly assessing who deserves good treatment and trust. We leave that to our Higher Power.

Today, let me trust that my Higher Power will take care of me. Let me be good to others and trust others, knowing that I will survive being burnt. Let me chose to be happy rather than right. Let me find power in surrender.

July 20 – Community

“Problems only exist in the human mind” – Anthony de Mello

In our active addiction, most of us spent nearly all of our time alone. We started by hanging out with people that partied just as hard as we did – slowly dropping friends that had limits. Over time, we ended up spending time with people without limits – eventually, most of us ended up alone.
In our isolation we constructed justification for our use, justification for our alienation, justification for our loneliness. We craved connection. We tried to connect in our use, but ended up physically, emotionally, or psychologically alone.
In recovery we found community. Others that were like us. For all the complaining, wishing, cursing, and story-telling, it turned out other addicts in recovery could provide that connection we craved so badly. We could share, they would listen. We could cry, they would hold space for us. We could be vulnerable, they would empathize. We could speak our darkest secrets, they would still love us. For each of those things that we thought made us awful or made our actions unforgivable, someone else in the room had done/felt/said the same.
This program is a miracle. The act of speaking our problems causes them to lose power. In speaking our fears, we begin to overcome them. In talking about our anger, it dissipates. If only all social interactions were as open and vulnerable as those in the rooms!

Today, let me remember that my problems exist only so long as I hold them. Let my Higher Power take from me my fears, anxieties, and anger – let me remember that the mechanism for this to happen is to let them out in community.

July 21 – Gratitude

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” – Rumi

In our active addiction we were detectives. We could always find the ways in which the world did not meet our standards, where our friends and family failed us, what someone had said that was hurtful. We were alone and justified in our indignation, and so we used.
When we enter recovery, it is as though a weight has been lifted. We find peers with similar pasts, friends with similar struggles, and a family that will love and support us – what a relief! The promise of a better life seems immediately; however, we still face problems, we still face conflict, we still face disappointment, and we still face loss and hurt. Only now, we do so clean and sober.
The choice that we have is how to interpret these events. One technique we hear in the rooms is the “attitude of gratitude” – this means choosing to be grateful, by default. This might mean focusing on the things in our lives for which we are grateful; or, it might mean something more profound.
In early recovery some of us struggle with the why – why certain things happen to us: a divorce, the loss of a job, the death of a friend, etc. The more profound interpretation of the “attitude of gratitude” is to be grateful for each thing that happens to us. This requires the trust in our Higher Power and radical non-judgement. Even grief, often considered a “negative” emotion is an opportunity to recognize and celebrate how much we loved the departed. For the moment I can be grateful for the death of a friend, I can celebrate how much I truly loved them, I have truly achieved peace and serenity.

Today, let me be grateful for every rub. Let me acknowledge that my Higher Power makes no mistakes, and what I experience is both necessary and good for my own growth. Let me recognize how each “negative” event serves me or the world in some way. Let me let my mirror be polished.

July 22 – Power

“In the mean time, cling tooth and nail to the following rule: not to give in to adversity, not to trust prosperity, and always take full note of fortune’s habit of behaving just as she pleases” – Seneca

In recovery we often talk about powerlessness; over others, over outcomes, over finances, etc.
The truth is, we have quite a lot of power – power over ourselves and our actions.
We spent much of our active addiction trying to control others, control outcomes, manipulate, take advantage, etc. All to no avail. We were frustrated and often avoided situations in which our desired outcome seemed unlikely. We avoided conflict, we avoided vulnerability, we avoided discomfort and we avoided the new.
The powerlessness piece has to do with all of these things and more. We come to accept just how much we thought we could control but over which we were, in fact, powerless. The new power we have found in this fellowship is the power over our thoughts, actions, words, and energy. We choose faith or fear, every morning. We choose to go to meetings or to isolate, every day. We choose honest tender caring words or selfish angry lies, every interaction. We choose to trust in our capacities or to give up, each time we try something new. We choose to be together and make progress together, or we go it alone (many of whom don't make it). These are not always easy choices – being human we often don't get it perfect. We aim for progress not perfection.

Today, let me remember that my Higher Power is in control and will determine outcomes while I will exercise my power to choose. Let me choose love, openness, honesty, integrity, willingness and bravery today. Let my indifference, my fear, my dishonesty, my anger, and my intolerance flee from my active choices. Today let me accept what I am powerless over and embrace the power I have.

July 23 – Scope

“It’s something like going on an ocean voyage. What can I do? Pick the captain, the boat, the date, and the best time to sail. But then a storm hits… What are my options? I do the only thing I am in a position to do, drown — but fearlessly, without bawling or crying out to God, because I know that what is born must also die” – Epictetus

In active addiction we had a very poor understanding of the scope of our impact on the world. We thought we could manipulate and control outcomes, people and our surroundings. We were constantly frustrated and many of us withdrew.
In recovery we learn that we have control only over ourselves, our thoughts and our actions. Our Higher Power is the grand director and on the stage are other actors – all merely responsible for their own roles. What we learn, then, is that even if we make all the right choices, even if we nail every line, the play may still flop. This is outside of our control.
Alternatively, we may bumble along making many mistakes and our supporting cast may perform wonderfully – the play may be a hit! It is important to remember that our performance and the success of the play may be related, but are not dependent on one another. It is important to remember that a failed play may not be our fault, and a successful play may not be due to our own merits. Our will may be aligned with God's but cannot change it.

Today, let me remember that I may do everything “right” and still fail. I may do somethings wrong and still succeed. Let me acknowledge that these outcomes are outside of my control. Let me remember that my will is not that powerful. In this recognition, let me find peace.

July 24 – What is

“So in myself I see what self is,
in my household I see what family is,
in my town I see what community is,

in my nation I see what a country is,
in the world I see what is under heaven.” – Dao De Jing

Most of us were bad at making decisions. It was not merely a fear of failure that stopped us, but a fear of success as well. We were afraid to make decisions, to make commitments, because regardless of the outcome, these prompted change. Change is scary, especially when we crave control.
Many of us lived in the past, others lived in the future. Some kept to the present and merely numbed out. Some of us did all three. The problem with futurizing, idealizing, and (as a member in the rooms jokingly called) “pasterizing” is that they give us examples that aren't real.
When we try to measure up to, emulate, or pursue, the unreal, we run into problems. One of the reasons these programs and these fellowships are so effective, is that they give us real examples. Real people with real problems and real sobriety.
Living life on life's terms means looking at the world as it is. This does not mean we need to focus on the bad, but that, when looking for heroes or inspiration, we often need look no further than our peers in these rooms.

Today, let me see what is. Let my Higher Power show me myself, my family, my community, my country and the world. Let me embrace these things in all of their imperfection and complication. Let me be inspired today to make decisions and live change.

July 25 – Conscience

“A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing” – Queen Elizabeth I

When first working the steps, many of us are afraid. We are afraid that what we have done is unforgivable. We are afraid the we are so unlike our peers that a program will not work for us. We suffer from Terminal Uniqueness – Terminal, because it will kill us; Uniqueness, because we think we are radically different – and the only solution is radical honesty.
Many of us are surprised as we begin to share those darkest secrets, our most self-deprecating thoughts, our "unforgivable" actions. Often these things are disclosed to nods of agreement or “me too”s. The big stuff seems the scariest but is often the easiest to get off our chests. It is the little things that linger. Much like life, the big stuff seems overwhelming but identifiable. The little things are not so clear, they dance around our consciousness often without taking shape. There is a reason so many of the steps involve writing things down, organizing our thoughts, and planning out our actions. The human mind is not excellent at keeping things in focus or in scope, even less so for the addict mind.
We often weigh whether disclosure is worth the repercussions. This is avoidance. As humans we make mistakes and must own them and atone for them. Feeling guilty comes from holding secrets. Disclosure is the cure. Most of us felt overwhelmed with guilt, because we had so many secrets.
These little things add up, as little things tend to do. Much like cleaning our homes, it can seem an overwhelming task. If we break it down into manageable tasks, the house is clean before we know it; however, the house does not stay clean. We live there. Much like our homes, our conscience becomes muddied, untidy, with use. We must regularly clean house. And a clean conscience requires radical honesty.

Today, I ask my Higher Power for help in being honest, especially about the little things. If I am overwhelmed, I will break things down. Today, I will have a clear and innocent conscience and will not fear disclosure. For in my disclosure, I find the cure to my fear – peace.

July 26 – Evil

“No man chooses evil because it is evil;
he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.” – Mary Wollstonecraft

Many of us came into recovery full of shame and full of resentment. We learn quickly that these are the two pillars of relapse. To judge ourselves too harshly and to hold onto harsh judgment of others and their actions, is to hold open the door to relapse.
Many of us are embarrassed by our actions. In active addiction we made self-centred decisions. We hurt, used and manipulated people. We lied, we stole, we deceived. Many of us reflect and think: “I was such a bad person”. This is the same story when we think about others. We think about what they did to us. How they lied, manipulated, were unjust in some way, etc: “They are/were such a bad person”.
In recovery we begin to learn that we are not bad people. The people we resent(ed) are not bad people. There are very harmful words, actions and behaviours. These are not undertaken to cause harm. In recovery we chose to believe that all people are doing the very best they can with the resources available to them. None of us are bad people, none of us were bad people. We are people with a disease/disorder and we were doing the best with the tools we had. We have new tools now. And with these tools we are better at identifying the good that we seek. We are better at forgiven those that were mistaken in their search for happiness.

Today, let me be empathetic and compassionate to myself and to others. May my Higher Power help me forgive myself and others for the actions of the past. Let me see the inherent goodness in myself and others. I pray for help in choosing to see that everyone, including myself, is doing the best they can with the resources that they have.

July 27 – Make Sense or Make the Most?

“The normal changes into the monstrous,
the fortunate into the unfortunate,
and our bewilderment
goes on and on.” – Dao De Jing

Many of us have experienced trauma. It is often tempting to try to “make sense” of how or why these things happen. It can be maddening attempting to consolidate our views of a loved one and some monstrous action they have taken. This is why toxic and abusive relationships tend to persists. We do not need to make a choice between loving someone and finding what they do/did unacceptable.
What we learn in recovery is that life is both very simple and very complex. We get to handle what is in front of us, and trust that our Higher Power will take care of the rest. This often means that we do not get to see the whole picture, nor do we need to. What may seem, to us, to be a shift from fortune to ill-fortune may be bewildering, strange, unclear; however, we do not see everything that happens. Our choice is to try to make sense of it all and remain bewildered; or, to make the next best decision and make the most of each situation.
We may love someone and set a boundary. We may love someone and leave them. Anything that we may do needs to be the next right step in the moment, our Higher Power will handle the rest. And we get to make the most of what comes.

Today, let me choose to make the most of each situation rather than trying to make sense of them. In each difficult moment let me choose what will bring me happiness and peace. Let me trust my Higher Power to take care of those things I do not, and should not, fully understand, letting me deal with what is in front of me.

July 28 – Making Bread

“Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone;
it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new” – Ursula K. Le Guin

In active addiction we craved certainty in an uncertain world. We demanded that things be as we wanted them to be, or we would withdraw. A desire for permanence and the well-known drove many, if not all, of our actions.
In recovery we come face to face with the unknown... often. We come to embrace our uncertainty – through much practice and support – and live in those moments we feared when we felt alone. This does not mean that old habits are easy to break. Many of us find ourselves craving certainty – mistaken stability for tranquility. We avoid conflict, but lose connection. We avoid hard work, but lose purpose. We avoid exercise, but lose that good feeling of health.
So we remind ourselves, and our fellows, every day, every meeting, every time we enter the rooms: “here we are today, loving and supporting one another”. It can be easy to think that such a thing is stability, is constant, is unchanging; however, many of those that stop coming – thinking that they have what they need now – do not survive. The love and support of the fellowship is always there. It is constant in its newness. Its stability lies in its being made anew every time. It is the bread that nourishes us. Not once and for all, but every time we are hungry.

Today, let me love my fellows and love myself. May my Higher Power show me how marvelous and precious these ever-changing moments truly are. Let me be grateful that I get to make this bread, with people I love, every day.

July 29 – Obsession

“If you see a whole thing - it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives... But up close a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern” – Ursula K. Le Guin

As humans, we obsess. As addicts we obsess a lot. As addicts in active addiction we obsess nearly constantly. While we tend to obsess about our substances/processes of choice, they are not the only things we obsess about. In recovery, especially early recovery, we obsess a lot about other people.
Whether it is envious obsession, infatuation, frustration, or something else. It is always obsession about people, places and things that we don't control. It is our desire for total control and certain rearing its head again.
Even in recovery it takes time for these obsessions to pass. The tendency to obsess will never pass for most of us, but we can learn what it is and how to deal with it. Much like a planet, others seem to be whole and beautiful – they have their lives together, they have meaningful relationships – and we rarely get to see closer – the dirt and the rocks. One thing that we learn in the rooms, is that all of us are struggling. We all have easy days and hard days. We all often wish that things were different. We all take our spiritual medicine together. So, while we see this from our peers in recovery, we do not see it from those in our lives that are not with the fellowship. And it is sad that they may not be able to share their troubles as we do. They may be struggling just as hard with their own secrets, their own challenges, their own obsessions.

Today, I will choose to believe that everyone is struggling and doing the best with the resources they have. I will remember that the whole is beautiful, but the parts are messy. I ask my Higher Power to remind me of this and perhaps to see myself as a whole, the way many others do. Let me be grateful to work amidst the dust, dirt and rocks – where life is – knowing that my planet shines brightly in other people's skies.

July 30 – Chains

“Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig” – Robert A. Heinlein

We carry our traumas and our resentments close to heart. In our active addiction these were often the ways we defined ourselves. The problem with an identity that is constructed upon other people's actions is that it is particularly susceptible to damage – it is fragile and it is not conducive to peace.
When we recognize that identifying with our traumas – rather than working through them – and holding onto our resentments does not serve us we can shift our perspective. What we come to see in recovery is that we hold on to these things as a way to punish those that "victimized" us. We used to “drink at/use at _____”. We justified our use as some kind of punishment for those that hurt us. However, it is likely that those people never knew, never noticed, or never cared. If they did, our “using at them” did not achieve our desired goal.
In recovery we learn that those chains we hold onto – those chains with which we hope to bind and punish those that have hurt us, are the chains that keep us imprisoned. It is only we who are bound by the shackles of resentment, only we who carry the weight of our traumas. Not only are we powerless over others, our attempts to change them by carrying resentments or living in our traumas, damage us and often, at most, merely annoy them.

Today, let me recognize that the actions that have hurt me are often not my own, holding on to resentment and traumas is an act of self-destruction. May my Higher Power help me unchain myself. Let me recognize that sometimes pigs are pigs, they will never sing. Let me sing my own tune – freely.

July 31 – Silence

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak” – Audre Lorde

When we first enter the rooms, many of us are scared. Becoming vulnerable is, by its nature, a scary thing. Becoming vulnerable is uncomfortable and many of us have spent our whole lives avoiding discomfort.
When we share for the first time, we are relieved. Regardless of what we said, how we said it, what we left out, or what we included, we are supported and we are loved. This first experience does not mean we are no longer afraid to share. Many of us feel that anxiety before sharing every time; however, we can name it (which often helps) and we know that the discomfort does not lead to danger.
As an analogy, this is much like our relationship to life. We have conditioned ourselves, through our maladaptive coping and our delusional thinking, to avoid what makes us afraid or what makes us uncomfortable; however, we sit in anxiety, depression, self-pity and any other number of unpleasant feelings rather than face that initial fear. We will be afraid often – whether we act or stay passive. We come to learn that in acting the fear does not linger.

Today, let me face with grace and with the support of my Higher Power those things of which I am afraid. May I conquer my fear by acting through it. Let me remember that first time sharing in the rooms, let me remember that I am supported and that I am loved.

August 1 – Us and Others

“One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others” – Robert A. Heinlein

Apologizing is hard. Becoming willing to make amends is hard. Owning our parts is hard. In our active addiction we avoided hard things. We were jealous of others, we resented perceived unfairness, we thought we were blameless, we could always find who was at fault.
While working this program, it becomes clear that we were at fault, at least in part, most of the time. When we start to let our resentments go, we can begin to heal. We can let go of the jealousy, the blame, the distorted thinking. In the fellowship we come to recognize that life is not a zero-sum game. We are not competing for happiness, success and “right”-ness. We are creating it together.
Many of us did, or still do, carry shame around our condition. We tend to avoid disclosing why we no longer drink. Some of us are more open. It is often shocking how much support and how many congratulations are out there when we disclose (selectively) that we are in recovery.
What we learn is that it is not only in the rooms that we are building together. When we fix our sick thinking, we find that there are many people both in and outside the program that are genuinely happy to see us succeed.

Today, let me remember that when others do well, this means that the world is better, not that I am worse. Today, with the help of my Higher Power, let me be sane sure and generous.

August 2 – From Thought to Action

“Things are going round and round in my head--
or maybe my head is going round and round in things” – Dianna Wynne Jones

Human beings are interesting in that, when we think about doing things, we often feel as though we have achieved something. Given addicts are normal people – just more so – this is especially true for us.
If we had spent the amount of time that most of us have spent fantasizing, planning, story-telling, case-building, etc. on any one skill, we would likely now be experts. Many of us become experts in our own recovery. While there is no end, no graduation, no finish-line, there are people in the rooms that have such a depth and breadth of experience, knowledge and insight, that it is staggering.
For those of us in early recovery, we often find that as the substances are removed from our lives, often the obsession, the planning, the fantasizing, actually increase! We get to learn how to deal with the busy mind without numbing out. An important (not to say easy) skill is separating thought from action. We learn that even speaking a thought is an act. Thinking – especially dwelling or obsessing – is something different in kind.
Once we get going on the doing, often the thinking falls in line. It is the step from thought to action that can be difficult. Often because the thought is safe, the action has consequences – intended or unintended. Yet, even writing the thought can be therapeutic. In Step 8, we are asked to take the first step from thought to action, write our list and become willing.

Today, let me become willing. Let me surrender my discomfort to my Higher Power. Let me accept that the consequences of my actions are out of my control. Let me listen to, and learn from, my peers with many years clean and sober. Just for today, let me focus on sharing my thoughts and becoming willing to act.

August 3 – Anticipation Makes the Heart Grow Anxious

“It's easy to keep hold of what hasn't stirred,
easy to plan what hasn't occurred,
It's easy to shatter delicate things,
easy to scatter little things.
Do things before they happen,
Get them straight before they get mixed up” – Dao De Jing

In our active addiction, most of us spent too much time thinking. Many of us would argue for hours with others that were not even present. We would fantasize about smashing things (justice?) or ignoring people (show them who is boss!) – yet rarely would we act on these.
In recovery, we begin to address our dispositions. We start to see that this tendency to move into the mind and to abandon reality leads to a reality with the same ongoing problems and a tired, frustrated mind. The solution that we find in the program is to embrace willingness – willingness to proactively address problems and to do the right thing right away.
Our love of chaos does not leave us when we stop using, so many of us find proactively addressing potential problems goes against our instincts. That is okay, instincts can change. The benefits we reap are that things rarely get mixed-up like they used to. We find peace in our willingness to act without over-thinking. We glimpse true wisdom when we sit in humility and never claim to have the right answer and so act with the grace and guidance of our Higher Power.

Today, let me focus on willingness. May I become a vessel for action, rather than an echo chamber of thoughts. May I humbly accept that acting in good faith, in line with my Higher Power will help me keep my life straight. Today let me remember that when I am in charge, my life is mixed-up and full of frustration. Today, I am grateful for the peace provided working a program.

August 4 – Holding Our Tongues

“Peace is ... a virtue based on strength of character” – Spinoza

There was little, if any, peace in our active addiction. We used to manipulate, plead, brow-beat, yell, and do any manner of things to get our way or to change the minds of others. We were convinced we were always right about everything. The world was wrong, others were to blame, and if only everyone acted, thought, behaved as we knew they should, then the world would be a wonderful place.
We learn in early recovery that this is true of all people. If we all acted from the same base, on the same plan, the world likely would be conflict-free; however, it would not necessarily be peaceful. We learn that peace exists, not in the absence of conflict, but in the midst of it. We start by letting go of our need to control people, places, and things. We learn to turn this over to our Higher Power. At first, for most of us, this means holding our tongues. Holding our tongues does not mean we are at peace inside. It means we are not projecting our disorder onto those around us.
As time goes on, holding our tongues slowly transitions into humility, trust and curiosity. When we let go of our desire for control, we begin to engage in meaningful and wonderful ways. Holding our tongues starts as an exercise of will but becomes the basis for peace amidst the chaos.

Today, if I feel compelled to control people, places or things, let me hold my tongue. In holding my tongue let me see the lack of external conflict. May my Higher Power help me bring that peace inside. Today, let me be transformed from manipulator to learner; from forceful to humble; from fearful to faithful – just for today let me take one more step towards strength of character, not strength of will.

August 5 – The Right Way to Lose

“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life” – Jean-Luc Picard

“Gracious losers” would not have described most of us in our active addiction. We were self-centred, insensitive to others, oblivious to context and bullheaded. Many of the characteristics linger into our sobriety. We are not free of them, but become free of their capacity to control us. We learn to recognize, acknowledge and move past these impulses. That does not mean it is always easy to do so.
One of the toughest realities we might face in recovery is doing everything right and things still not working out how we had hoped. We may be model employees, with all the qualifications, and still get passed over for a promotion. We may be charming, loving, supportive, and say all the “right things” and still have a relationship fall apart. In early recovery we learn to acknowledge and own our mistakes – to make amends. A more difficult experience is graciously losing when, by any metric, we ought to win.
Like every world-class athlete will eventually be beaten, through no fault of their own, we will all face “unjust” loss. This is an opportunity to display character and to trust in our Higher Power. When we think we have lost unfairly, it is an opportunity to remember who defines fair. The world is larger than our experience and we never have all the data – we certainly don't, and shouldn't, have access to the grand plan. Losing graciously, with strength, displays a maturity that promises peace.

Today, let me do my best. If I make mistakes let me own them. If I do everything right, let me be proud of my achievements. If I do everything right and do not achieve my goals, let me remember who is in charge. Let me graciously acknowledge my work, my strength, and my growth.

August 6 – Notice What Lingers

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know” – Pema Chödrön

How many times did we say: “I get! I get!” in the face of a loved ones concern. How often did we decidedly not “get it”? How often did those very concerns come back harder, stronger, more desperately? In our active addiction we were incredibly adept at ignoring those things that were forced into our attention over and over again. The shame spirals after a binge, the regret, the guilt were constantly presented to us and we refused to acknowledge them – or our acknowledgment only lasted until the hangover subsided.
In recovery we are often similarly faced with things that we need to address. When we don't deal with them, acknowledge them, and learn from them, they keep coming back. Whether it is numbing behaviour, like screen use, obsessive behaviour, like exercise, unhealthy behaviour, like over/under eating; all of these things will be brought to our attention by ourselves and by our loved ones. It is unclear that we could (or would ever want to) ever be free of these lessons that keep presenting themselves. For in them lies our opportunity to grow.
In recovery we learn to appreciate, if a little begrudgingly at times, when we are being challenged to grow. When messages persists, it often means we don't “get it”... yet.

Today, let me be attentive to the messages I receive. I ask my Higher Power to help me identify my learning opportunities and to act on them as best I can. Let me help those I love, by gently pointing out their learning opportunities as well. May I lead by example and do my best to “get it”.

August 7 – Competing with Whom?

"The best captain doesn't rush in front.
The fiercest fighter doesn't bluster.
The big winner isn't competing.
The best boss takes a low footing.
This is the power of noncompetition.
This is the right use of ability.
To follow heaven's lead
has always been the best way." – Dao De Jing

In active addiction we competed with everyone. We were always right and everyone was always wrong. We were clever and everyone else was the fool. We were righteous and everyone else was out to get us. We led with a sharp tongue and strong criticism, we always claimed the moral high ground. We were in a struggle with our addiction, with God and with everyone around us. How tiring life was!
In recovery we start to let go of that competitive drive. First, we stop the fight with substances, we acknowledge that not-engaging is the only way to avoid losing. But we begin to find ourselves working cooperatively with others. Leading by example, loving those we may disagree with.
When we engage fully in a program of recovery we realize that, all this time, we were fighting our Higher Power. We had decided that our will was supreme and we would do anything to prove it – for that, we, and those around us, suffered. We come to learn that the only way to win, is to give up to fight. We are powerless over our addiction; however, more importantly, we are powerless so long as we try to win. Following our Higher Power is the only surefire way to not lose. In refusing to fight, we, and those around us, can heal.

Today, I will give up the fight. I will acknowledge my failings and attempt to correct them. I will follow my Higher Power's lead. I will focus on being cooperative rather than competitive in everything I do.

August 8 – She Who Always Retreats, Never Loses

“War is not the means to an outcome, but an outcome” – Stefan Stenudd

In active addiction, we found ourselves in conflict, constantly. With ourselves, with others, with the world. We were defensive and reactive – always ready to take things on, to prove our right-ness. We were under the impression that if only we could make others, the world, ourselves, etc. yield to our will, then everything would be fine. We just needed to win the battle of us against everything: “If the world would just surrender to our will, everything would be fine.”
While working the steps it becomes apparent, over and over, that the only battle won is the battle avoided. When we chose to fight, our addiction wins, every time. When we chose to fight, our friends and family suffer. When we chose to fight, we are at war and cannot find peace.
Many problems still arise when we are clean and sober. We still need to set boundaries, we still need to tell people how we feel. What shifts, is our perception of what that means. If the goal is clarity and connection, then communication (not conflict) is the means. If the goal is making amends, we don't start by blaming or making accusations. If the goal is our health and sanity, then leaving a relationship might be the means, not enforcing our will and trying to change others.
It is a difficult lesson to learn, but we begin to catch ourselves. When we are in a state of conflict – when we find ourselves trying to figure out how to win – we know that the outcome is already determined. When we get into fight mode, when our wills take over, the outcome has been decided, that outcome is war. There are no winners in war.

Today, let me match means to desired outcomes. I ask my Higher Power to help me recognize when I am ready (or looking) for a fight. May I remember that retreat and surrender are not weakness, but the means to avoid the worst of ends. Today, let me chose cooperation through loving kindness, and let go of my desire for victory through conflict. Today let my mantra be “better happy, clean, and sober, than right”.

August 9 – Whose Lane is it Anyways?

“A desire not to butt into other people's business is at least eighty percent of all human wisdom” – Robert A. Heinlein

Active addiction/recovery share a relationship similar to invasion/invitation. In our active addiction we invaded other people's spaces, business, privacy, etc. We were constantly overextending, bursting loudly into spaces in which we didn't belong. We were hopeless gossips, liars and boundary breakers. We “knew” best and would not hesitate to make that know in any forum that we could smash our way in to.
In recovery we begin to invite others into our own lives. We open up our own vulnerabilities and make connections. We invite fellows into those places within ourselves that we were certain could not support human life. The result? We are invited into other's lives as well.
The difference is a sense of being welcomed – of welcoming. Rather than exerting ourselves willy-nilly and alienating, frustrating, betraying, or scaring, those with whom we are trying to connect, we invite them into our lives. In turn many will invite us into theirs.
As many of us know well, remaining after we have outstayed our welcome (especially when under the influence) does not feel good. Being invited into someone's home that genuinely wants us there. That is a feeling!
We come to have faith in our Higher Power to take care of what needs taking care of. We can let go of those things that do not concern us – those things over which we have no power anyways.

Today, let me focus on me and what I need. Let me invite others to help when I need it and to share space. Let me do so for someone else when invited. Let me take care of my business. When others are willing and invite me, let me acknowledge that their problems have become my business.

August 10 – Words and Actions

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is” – Eckhart Tolle

Most of us come equipped with a very strong sense of justice. Our black and white thinking and our oscillating superiority and inferiority complexes make us apt to be very judgmental. We resented others for not living up to our standards (even when we did not live up to them ourselves). We saw the injustice in the world and were furious, both that it existed and that no one was doing anything about it.
In recovery we start doing something about it. We find ways to be of service. We chair meetings, we help make coffee, we clean up. We console a friend, we volunteer, we give to those in need. That doesn't stop our tendency to be upset when we see injustice. Righteous anger is not something most of us can, or even want, to be free of. The question becomes: how do we deal with it?
As addicts, we love to talk. Talk about injustice tends towards complaining. It is easy to get lost in complaining. The step from frustration to non-acceptance is a small one. These are opportunities to practice Step One. These are opportunities to practice forgiveness. The cure for our frustrations at what is? Do something. Be of service. Act in accordance with principles of justice, mutuality and support. Love freely and unconditionally. Leave it to our Higher Power to deal with those things that are out of our control. Take action on those things that are within our control.

Today, let me remember the serenity prayer. With the help of my Higher Power let me put it into action. If I feel lost in my words, let me act. Let service be the cure for what ails my mind.

August 11 – Expertise

“Humility is a knowledge of our weaknesses, confidence is a knowledge of our strengths, and ego is something dangerous with none of the former and a skewed sense of the latter” – The Daily Stoic

We are each experts in some area. Some of us are professional experts, some of us are expert cooks, some of us are experts at computers, some of us are expert intuitors, some of us are expert painters or sculptors. None of us are experts in all things. In fact, most of us known very little or nothing about most things. The breadth of human knowledge is too staggering for books, or even the internet to contain – PhDs in their fields are often only experts in a subset and rely on their peers. The amount of information being generated by human beings every second is more than anyone could hope to learn in a lifetime.
For those of us in recovery, this is important to acknowledge. We are not perfect and could not be perfect experts in all things, even if we wanted to be. There are two important lessons here: first, we are imperfect, that is okay, so is everyone else; second, we need each other. We live in an incredibly complex world that requires, at a fundamental level that we all contribute in our own way, and we are all interdependent on one another.
While this was scary in active addiction, it is a beautiful discovery in recovery. It does, however, mean that we make mistakes (regularly) and must own them and make amends. It also means that we ought to expect the same of all those other imperfect experts that we rely on in our day-to-day life.

Today, let me be humble in my knowledge of my own human limitations. Let me be confident in the expertise I bring to contribute to my community. I ask my Higher Power to help me admit my mistakes and make amends. I ask my Higher Power to help me be patient and forgiving with others when they do the same.

August 12 – Imperfection

“You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not” – Jodi Picoult

Loving ourselves is one of the hardest things to do. Most of us did not think it was a possibility. We thought we were unlovable, unworthy of love, or too far gone. In these rooms we are loved and supported until we can begin to love ourselves. Much of the difficulty in loving ourselves has come from our past wrong-doing. We are ashamed because we identify with those actions. We did not merely do bad things to others; we were bad people. This confusion of behaviour and person can get in the way of our capacity to grow, to love ourselves and to love others.
This is a particular problem when we work on Step 8. When we look back at our past behaviour, the temptation to identify with it is strong. It can bring us back, or keep us in, that space of unworthiness and shame. Many of the impossibly high standards that we set for ourselves come rushing back to distort our self-image. This is why our supports in the rooms and our sponsors are so important. They can remind us of two important things: first, we wouldn't dream of holding anyone else up to those standards, so why should we hold ourselves to them? Second, we are surrounded by peers that have all made mistakes and we love and support them in spite of those mistakes – we are not unique!
Our worthiness of love comes from the fact that we are human, as does our imperfection. We cannot have one without the other. In making amends, we can acknowledge that we are human, we make mistakes – this makes us lovable too!

Today, I ask that my Higher Power helps me hold in mind that my mistakes and my wrongs are not me. My behaviour is imperfect because I am imperfect. This leads to mistakes – that I can own and make amends for. It is also what makes me human – what makes me lovable and worthy.

August 13 – Pride

“No one is laughable who laughs at himself” – Seneca

Our oscillating superiority and inferiority often led to pridefulness. We tended to take ourselves very seriously and demand that others do the same. We could never abide insult or injury. We lashed back with anger, silence, or use.
In recovery, we share our stories. Some are funny; some are terrible – often times, we share stories that are so insane and awful that we all cannot help but laugh. In laughing we give ourselves permission to let go. To laugh at ourselves is to give up the ego. We give up our pride when we acknowledge our insanity.
When we laugh together, we share something. Not only do we share our similarities and acknowledge our mutually (self-)destructive behaviours, we share moments of much needed levity. We share in diffusing the heavy weights we carry. If we cannot laugh at ourselves, then we are lost.
There is healing in laughter. There is healing in taking ourselves a little less seriously. In letting go of our seriousness we learn to take other's opinions, slights, insults, or failures a little less seriously as well. We give ourselves permission to tackle the really hard things – the big amends – with humility when we can let the ego go.

Today, let me take myself a little less seriously. Let me remember that when I try to take my will back, my Higher Power laughs at my pride. Let me laugh at my pride as well. In laughing, let me find humility. For today, I remember that no one can hurt me with their laughter because no one can laugh at me harder than myself.

August 14 – Restraint

“He shows a greater mind who does not restrain his laughter, than he who does not deny his tears” – Seneca

There is a fine balance between honouring our emotions and letting them control us. The difference is between acting and reacting. When we acknowledge our emotions but do not let them control us, we become free from their effects – never free from them.
In our active addiction, we would live in those moments of total abandon – rage, despair, fury, resentment, etc. – and those moments of total numbness and oblivion; never between. We moved gently, and forced those around us to move gently, because we were not in control. Emotional outburst were common place, and we often hurt those unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire.
In recovery we begin to learn how to acknowledge and validate our emotional states without reacting. We assess situations, with the support of our peers and the tools in our toolboxes, before acting. This is not an easy skill. Feelings have normative force. They come with an “ought”: “I am angry, I ought to lash out” or “I am scared, I ought to seek comfort”. We cannot always take a pause before acting in all situations. We are human, imperfect, make mistakes, then make amends. But, much like our choice on how we see the motivations of others, we can choose where to let our guard down most.

Today, if I am feeling overwhelmed and unable to keep things in check, let me choose to be overcome with laughter and joy, rather than sorrow and despair. May my Higher Power remind me that there are always things to rejoice and always things to lament, and that it is my choice where I place my focus.

August 15 – Rigid or Fluid?

“Tanks and tombstones are not very adequate role models ... to be alive is to be vulnerable” – Ursula K. Le Guin

We have a notion of strength that permeates our society and effects addicts more than others. This is the notion of strength as rigidity – standing tall, strong and alone. This is characterized by self-sufficiency and an unwillingness to bend.
Most of us wanted to present this way in active addiction (whether we felt this way or not). We wanted to be the tank, rolling through life, unchallenged; or the tombstone – permanent, clear, final. What we learn in this program, with the help of the members of this fellowship, is that vulnerability leads to connection and connection leads to strength. I am only as strong as my community.
We learn that we are part of a network, a web. This web is made ever stronger by its intersections. This web is ever changing. We support where we were once supported. We play different roles, we adapt, we bend. We are there for others and know that they are there for us.
In letting go of rigidity we become able to ask for help. We become able to say sorry and make amends. We become capable of all those things that make human life so wonderful – that make this community so strong.

Today, I will remember that my Higher Power is in charge of outcomes, I am merely in charge of myself. May I be vulnerable and bendy. May I ask for help and offer support. May I remember that my strength is in my capacity to be human – to be human in community.

August 16 – Those Who Have Hurt Us

“The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.” – Marcus Aurelius

Making amends is hard. There are a lot of traps along the way. When we first read the steps; when we first see Step 8 many of us feel sick. There is a wave of anxiety, the tape starts playing, our fear, shame and guilt rise up. An amorphous cloud of negative self-talk, terminal uniqueness, shame and fear loom quickly over our newfound resolve in early recovery. Sometimes, there is also indignation, resentment, anger. It is not uncommon for those on our list to have hurt us deeply as well.
There are a number of conceptions of justice and forgiveness. One that is alive an well in this culture is lex talionis – an eye for an eye. This idea suggests that if someone hurt us, then we are/were justified and hurting them back. If we are to make amends, ask for forgiveness, right the wrong, then they ought to make amends to us, ask for our forgiveness, right their wrongs in turn (it's only fair, right?). This will get us nowhere. We cannot control people or outcomes. We can control ourselves, with the help of our Higher Power. We can forgive those who have wronged us and ask their forgiveness. We can make amends to those with whom we shared a mutually destructive relationship. Because there is no way out of pain that demands an eye for an eye. Those with whom we have traded blows – psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial – may never change, the best we can do to rise out of the problem is to model the solution. Forgiveness, empathy, compassion, humility, these are all pretty good looks.

Today, I will ask my Higher Power for help in breaking cycles. I will not fear the opinions of others, but I will show them who I really am. I will pursue growth, forgiveness and peace to the best of my human capacity and take ownership when I make a mistake. My amends depend on no one but me. I will model what I value, regardless of how those around me react.

August 17 – Perceptions

“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be, be one” – Marcus Aurelius

There is our own personal experience of reality: how we perceive it, how it is filtered through our experiences, how it is coloured by our emotions, distorted by our traumas, etc. There is something people like to call “objective reality” – the collection of people and things that exist outside of ourselves that are generally disinterested in our experiences.
Between these two lies recovery. In our active addiction we lived in our radical fantasies. We were self-centred, the world was deeply interested in us and our affairs. We were all that mattered. The messages that many of us received sounded something like: “you're out of touch!” or “Get a grip!” or “Reality Check!” or “This isn't about you”. None of these were helpful because the suggestion was that our experiences didn't line up with “objective reality” – and they generally did not! This is because our experience of the world as addicts is different than those that are not afflicted with this disease.
With the support of this fellowship and our Higher Power, we come to realize that the “objective reality” that others talk about isn't one that everyone shares equally. The way we perceive and interact with reality is different, but not unique. It is in these rooms that we find a different reality. A spiritual reality. A reality based in a community of those that are like us.
This means that our experiences of our own actions and our perceptions of the actions of others can deviate. When making our amends, it may be that the person we owe amends to does not see our past behaviour as harmful in the way we do, or perhaps they find it much worse, either way, it is not up to us to ensure that these line up. It is our responsibility to make the amends to the best of our ability.

Today, let me acknowledge that my experience of the world is different from non-addicts. Let me be grateful for the support of those like me. May I remember that what is good for me is sometimes different from what is good for non-addicts. And may my Higher Power grant me the strength to accept the differences of experience and to make my amends for past, current, and future mistakes the very best that I can.

August 18 – Responsibility

“Wise souls keep their part of the contract
and don't make demands on others.
People whose power is real fulfill their obligations;
people whose power is hollow insist on their claims.
Impartial though the Way of God may be,
It always favors good men.” – Dao De Jing

Step 8 is as much about our own healing as it is about healing the harms we have done to others. Life is messy, more so during our active addiction. We were whirlwinds of chaos. We hurt indiscriminately, and were sensitive to slights from others. Pushing and pulling while sitting in the eye of the storm.
When we come to make our list of those we have harmed. We often find a list of people who have harmed us in turn. Sometimes these are clear, distinct, specific harms. Sometimes they are like a cloud of bad faith, bad actions, disrespect, etc. This can make it difficult to even consider making amends if they will not do their part.
In recovery we learn from our peers and our sponsors that we can only clean up our side of the street. There is a freedom in that. It is Step 1 all over again. When we acknowledge that we only have power in our own actions, we become free from the burden of others and their just desserts.
In our self-centeredness we thought the world was deeply interested in us. We learn it is disinterested. In our newfound selfishness, we discover that when we work on ourselves – when we do the next right thing – those around us notice. We become better people. We receive the favour of heaven – peace.

Today, let me focus on cleaning up my side of the street. Let me remember that I have the power to fulfill my obligations, but it is my ego that demands that others do the same – may I give that up to my Higher Power. Today, may I be real, not hollow.

August 19 – My Part

“It is easy to blame “them”. It is hard to confront “me”. The easy path is the road to ruin. The hard path is the way of growth” – @TheStoicEmperor

It is impossible to make it through life unscathed. People will do things that hurt us, that don't align with our expectations, or that are unfair. In our active addiction, these things were often front and centre in our minds. We spent time brooding on them. We drank or used about them. We drank or used at those that had wronged us. What we rarely, or never, did was look at our part.
The blame game (or, as a member in the rooms charmingly called it, "using his Blamethrower”) can take up our time and focus. It surely takes up a lot of our energy. What is does, ultimately, is keep us in a position of victimhood. We feel that we have been wronged, we do not have recourse (we are powerless over people, places, things, and outcomes), so we sit in our victimhood.
The first step out of victimhood is in recovery. We begin to take responsibility for our part. It may be that; we were in a mutually toxic relationship, we didn't properly set boundaries, we didn't enforce boundaries, we were dishonest, or any myriad other way in which we participated in, or tolerated, unhealthy relationships.
When we get into the rooms, when we work our Steps, when we hear from our fellows and our sponsors, we begin to understand that things do not happen to us – life happens with us. We are active participants in our own lives. We bear partial responsibility for many of the wrongs in our lives. How did we contribute? When we were betrayed, were we honest with that person from the beginning? When we were rebuked, were we not judging others? When we were outed, were we holding secrets in confidence? Even in those rare cases that we were totally innocent of any wrong action, we may have contributed through inaction. Why were we choosing to spend time with this person? Why were we in that place/situation?
There is a difference between moral and causal responsibility – even when we are morally innocent we may be causally at fault. The sober driver that accidentally hits a pedestrian may not deserve moral condemnation, but certainly was at fault in a literal sense. If we can learn from those moments, we can grow; if we can grow, we can work recovery. In working recovery we can become self-aware, own our part, make amend, then heal.

Today, let me remember that I am an actor in my own life. With the help of my Higher Power, let me be clear on my role. May I do the best with what I have and own my part. May I forgive those who wrong me, but not dwell in victimhood. Today, I will set and enforce boundaries and be honest with others.

August 20 – Doing what is Right

“Whenever you do something you have decided ought be done, never try to avoid being seen doing it, even if people in general may disapprove of it. If, of course, your action is wrong, just don’t do it at all, but if it’s right, why be afraid of people whose criticism is off the mark?” – Epictetus

Making amends is hard. It can be scary and embarrassing to own our mistakes and make amends. There can be a temptation to do so as privately as possible. This tendency betrays a confusion between who we were – what we had done – and who we are. Admitting our mistakes is hard, but it is the right thing to do. Making amends, when those amends do not harm ourselves or others, is the right thing to do.
What can initially appear as scary and embarrassing declaration of our past failures is, in fact, a declaration of our growth and development. We are in recovery. We are making amends, not harming others. To separate out these two things can alleviate some of the fear, challenge our self-centred thinking, and help us remember that we are doing the right thing where, in the past, we would have done wrong.
This fellowship and these steps allow us to acknowledge our past mistakes, learn from them, and make up for them. When we are making up for them, we can ask our Higher Power to take away our shame, our guilt, our fear.

Today, I will remember that I may have caused harm in the past, but now I am making amends. While I might feel shame and fear rising up, I give those up to my Higher Power and will act openly and honestly with the knowledge that I am doing the right thing.

August 21 – Right Now

“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” – Marcus Aurelius

As people, not just as addicts, we tend to spend a lot of time in our past and in our futures. When we are living in fear we are living in the belief that we cannot bear what life will bring. When we live in remorse and regret, we are living in the belief that things cannot be made right. A lot of fear comes with making amends: making our list, playing out scenarios, bargaining with ourselves, pleading with our sponsors. None of these are unique, none of these work. Most importantly, none of these will get in the way of the open, honest, and willing addicts path of recovery.
Amends are scary. But does that fear need to ruin this moment? Can we refuse to live in fear right now? If we can refuse to let our fear control our now, we can deal with it when the list is complete, we have talked to our sponsor, made a plan, and are knocking on the door (or dialing the phone number, or writing the letter).
When we are thinking about the future, that future does not exist. It is a construction, a story, a hope, a fear, a possibility. This can be helpful. We can plan. We can dream. But it is not real. Now is real. Whether we are at peace or suffering in the now is what is real in our life. In the rooms we learn that we have some control over our thoughts. We can be in the now, or be enslaved by our fears about the future. We can be content where we are, or be striving for a future that we want, that may never arrive.

Today, I will remember that the future has now power over me that I don't give it. I ask my Higher Power to help me stay in the now. Let me live the future I want, and therefore never have the face the future I fear.

August 22 – Bend or Snap

“The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm” – Confucius

In active addiction we were relentlessly rigid: rigid defense, rigid beliefs, black and white sense of justice, strong opinions, no quarter, no surrender, no compromise, “I am right!”. We refused to bend. Not only were we always right, others had to know it. Others had to acknowledge it!
In recovery we meet our peers as equals. We being to listen to them, and they to us. We learn of mutuality, reciprocity, respect and trust. We begin to want to listen to the advice of others, to hear of their travails. We get a sponsor and learn to defer to their wisdom and experience. We discover spirituality and start to acknowledge and have faith in our Higher Power. We begin to learn to surrender. To take a knee, to bend before those benevolent others in our lives that want what is best for us, can see more clearly than us, and have more wisdom than us.
While the mighty oak may look impressive, it can never bow. It can never show respect. It can never be humble, never learn. The reed which bends. That acknowledges forces greater than itself survives the storm. And in active addiction there seems no better metaphor for our lives than a storm. The relentlessness of the storm remains in recovery, but when we do our Step 1, when we defer to our sponsor, when we do the difficult work that we would rather resist, we are the green reed. In bending we live. And in living, we reach a better, spiritual, and more fulfilled life.

Today, let me be the reed. May my higher power remind me that I am not so mighty. Like the reed let me remember that I grow best amongst my peers. Today, let me be humble.

August 23 – Not-Doing

“Not praising the praiseworthy
keeps people uncompetitive.

Not prizing rare treasures
keeps people from stealing.

Not looking at the desirable
keeps the mind quiet.
…
When you do not-doing,
nothing's out of order.” – Dao De Jing

In the rooms we often here this notion of “taking the pause”. Acknowledging and utilizing that moment between something happening and our reacting. The goal seems to be to give us an opportunity to choose how we act. To act consciously and with intention rather than to react without thinking. This is a difficult and helpful practice. But there is a further step back. When we catch ourselves thinking the thoughts, or holding the beliefs that have us react in the first place. We can begin to build the kind of character that does not react at all. We do not need to take the pause.
This is not an easy thing to do. To catch ourselves when we begin to praise those in our lives. For when we praise, we make judgements. We choose those that deserve praise and those that do not. This can lead to people vying for our attention. If accept the praise of others, we are drawn into competition for such praise with others. It is only when we let go of the value of that praise – it has no bearing on our worth, it is merely an opinion – acknowledge it, and move on, that we find that our spirit becomes less disordered. We catch a glimpse of serenity.

Today, may my Higher Power help me to remember that there is no value in the judgements of others. Others may provide me with information, but not worth. Let me remember that I am whole, complete, and worthy in myself. I ask that I may let go of my attachment to the judgements of others, take the pause if I am not yet there, intervene in my thoughts if possible, and always act rather than react, if I can.

August 24 – Feelings

“Feeling too much is a hell of a lot better than feeling nothing” – Nora Roberts

In some ways, becoming willing is scarier than making the amends. When we feel fear about future events, a technique to avoid that fear is to refuse to be open to its possibility. We often say things like “I will never go sky diving!” or “I will never try Balut!”. What this does is remove the fear of the activity or event itself. By never opening the door to its possibility we never have to imagine what it might be like – it'll never happen!
Step 8 requires the willingness. In a lot of ways it is scarier than the actual making of amends. However, much like we used substances to numb out, we can use words to numb out as well. When we speak in absolutes, we refuse to acknowledge possibility. When we use words like “always”, “never”, “everyone”, “no one”, “must”, etc. we are doing the same kind of peremptory closing down. It is a tool to protect ourselves from possibility. Because possibility is scary.
It is when we face those uncomfortable feelings, we become willing to do what is scary, we let go of the language of absolutes, when we become open to the world as it is, what it has to offer, that we grow. We live life when we face those feelings. As addicts we feel more, and experience more intensely. Our solutions in the past have been to avoid this or shut it down with substances and behaviours. Let us remember what that is like.

Today, let me choose life. Let me choose feeling even when – especially when – it seems scary. I ask my Higher Power for help in living in possibility. Just for today, let me be willing in my language and in my heart.

August 25 – Connection

“We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than reality” – Seneca

In active addiction many of us search for community. We found connection in our use, we found community amongst users. It is ironic that our desire to connect led ultimately to isolation. We feared we could not connect while clean and sober, so we used to connect. We feared other's judgement and we feared the consequences of our use, so we hid away.
We hurt those whom we wished most wholeheartedly to connect with. In recovery we discover that the hurt was the result of our addiction, the connection was the motivating desire. This does not mean that the hurt wasn't real, but it means that the reality we desire and the reality we created diverged wildly in our active addiction. In recovery this is less the case and, if we are careful, can be stopped whenever it starts.
While we may not have power over people, places, or outcomes, we do have the ability to match our perceptions and intentions with reality. With the help of our community – our real community – with the help of our sponsors – our real friends – we can begin to align our imaginations with the world as it is. We can begin to see how our actions impact those around us. We can own our mistakes, we can be honest, we can be vulnerable.
The world presents itself to us all the time, it up to us to receive it on its own terms. When we do this, we can act a little less frightened, and with the help of our Higher Power we can alleviate our suffering. When we do our Step 8, we are committing to realigning our imaginations with reality. We are still motivated by a desire connect, but, clean and sober, we are better able to achieve our goals. Not to make others behave a certain way, but to play our part in healthy connection.

Today, let me remember that I crave connection – and that is a good thing! I am grateful to my Higher Power for all the healthy connection in my life. When I am caught in guilt or regret, let me remember that my intentions were usually good. That I can make amends for those I hurt, and my community and my friendships are real. I am grateful that my imagination and my reality are, or can be, aligned.

August 26 – People

“So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.” – Neil Gaiman

We are all people. In active addiction many of us are tortured by perfectionism. This often leads to inaction – “it is better not to try than to try and make a mistake”. Perfectionism and procrastination are two facets of the same belief: “if I can't do it as well as I would like – perfectly – then I shouldn't do it (now)”. In active addiction it seemed that other people had it figured out. Other people were doctors, lawyers, teachers, politicians. While some of us were as well, we often felt like frauds or impostors.
In recovery we come to realize that we are not alone in our sense of inadequacy. We share these experiences of perfectionism and impostor syndrome with our peers in the rooms. The longer we spend in the rooms, the longer we bring our step work to bear in all of our affairs, the more we realize that these are not unique to addicts.
We are all just people. We are all just winging it, most of the time. Our doctor? A person, as likely to make a mistake as anyone else. They may have a lot of education, experience, skill and aptitude, but they are a person.
It becomes an act of accepting that we are all imperfect people. We are all doing the best we can. We all sometimes feel like impostors. We are all doing our best, which often does not feel like enough. This makes the world a very different place to experience. We can relax our expectations. Laugh at our mistakes. Hold other peoples mistakes gently. Apologize when we are wrong and learn.

Today, let me remember that I will always make mistakes – and that is a good thing! My mistakes are an opportunity to grow and to empathize with others. Today, let me remember that I am one human among many, and we are all just winging it.

August 27 – Comfort

“Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken” – Frank Herbert

Our impulse to avoid change and discomfort can keep us trapped. It kept us trapped in our addiction. It kept us trapped in patterns of behaviour that no longer served us. As explosive and chaotic as our lives had become, we were comfortable. The chaos was known. Use, explode, apologize, don't change – rinse, cycle, repeat.
In these rooms we learn to get uncomfortable. We learn that comfort, like any process or substance, can be addictive. We learn to open up, get vulnerable, face the unknown, ask for help, put ourselves out there.
These things, if not engaged with intentionally, can become comfortable as well. There are those of us that become content with their program, it is easy, it is simple, it is comfortable. They stop pushing themselves, they stop growing, they stop doing the work. At 3 months, 5 years, or 25 years, these folk relapse.
We have been given an opportunity to wake up. To be active participants in our own lives. No longer slaves to our addiction, we get to be present, conscious and connected. These are not things that happen to us; rather, they are activities. We have a choice. We can choose to be active, which is hard and scary and uncomfortable; or we can go back to auto-pilot. That auto-pilot that prioritized our addiction over our loved ones, that auto-pilot that blows up everything we care about.

Today, I will ask my Higher Power for help being active in my decisions. I will remember that comfortable is auto-pilot and I know where auto-pilot takes me. I will do the work, because in staying active in my recovery, I am active in my own life.

August 28 – Preparedness and Rigidity

“But chance runs like a river through all our lives, being prepared for surprise is the best we can do” – Kenneth Oppel

We have spent much of our lives trying to be strong. We developed rigid defense mechanisms and made demands that others conform to our will – our desires. These were ways of keeping our inner child safe. They worked until they didn't.
The thing about our inner child, is that it knows what it needs, but is disastrously bad at figuring out how to meet that need. Our addiction stopped us from maturing. We did not develop those skills in adolescence and adulthood that would allow us to meet the needs of our inner child effectively.
In recovery we learn to grow up. We learn to acknowledge that inner child, but remember that it is always right about what it needs, but nearly always wrong about how to meet those needs. It is up to our maturing minds and hearts to be gentle with that child and to provide strategies to meet those needs.
We learn that those strategies nearly always require the help of others; especially in early recovery. As we learn to acknowledge, but move past, our rigid defense systems, we begin to learn flexibility. We begin to learn patience. We come to bend rather than stand strong or break. We come to see that it is not the stone's strength that we desire, but the strength of the river – always flowing, adaptable, gentle, free.
When we embrace the river, we are prepared for how chance (and our Higher Power) might intervene in our lives. Rather than breaking like the oak, or wearing down like the stone, we join in the twists and turns of the river. We adjust to the rivers course like water. When we are as flexible as the river of our lives, we can meet life on life's terms.

Today, I ask my Higher Power to help me let go of rigidity. When I feel myself tighten up, let me relax and remember, my inner child's needs must be met, but often in a different way than it demands. Just for today, let me abandon my notion that I want to be strong like the oak or strong like the stone. Just for today, let me be strong like water.

August 29 – Give it Away

“Brim-fill the bowl,
it'll spill over.
Keep sharpening the blade,
you'll soon blunt it.

Nobody can protect
a house full of gold and jade.

Wealth. Status, pride,
are their own ruin.
To do good, work well, and lie low
is the way of the blessing.” – Dao De Jing

When we enter the rooms we are at first bombarded with a lot of cryptic sayings. These often take time to come to understand. Some produce newer and more nuanced meanings as time goes on. One such saying is: “you have to give it away to keep it”.
One take on this is that sobriety must be shared with other alcoholics in order to maintain it. This is the most common interpretation. But, since we must “carry this principles forward in all our affairs”, it seems that there may be a broader interpretation as well.
One of the amazing powers of these rooms is that when we show up and we share, we are transformed. An interesting discovery has been that in sharing our troubles, our anxieties, our hurt, we are freed from them; however, when we share our joy, our hope, our courage, these are fortified.
Those character traits, those values, those experiences that serve us and others are intensified when they are brought to community. Those traits, outlooks, and perspectives that do not serve – that isolate – cannot withstand the light of fellowship.
One thing that is becoming abundantly clear is that, no matter what it is, whether we like it or not, we cannot hoard. We cannot keep the house full and the door closed. For a house of open doors invites the light, community and connection. A shuttered house is dark, cold and lonely.

Today, let me keep my windows and my doors open. Let me invite my fellows in. If I am sacred, unsure, or cynical, let me throw open the shades and expose these phantasms of the dark. If I am in possession of a good thought, feeling or outlook, let me give it away immediately – for in being shared, we all get to keep it.

August 30 – Users

“Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never merely as a means to an end, but always at the same time as an end” – Immanuel Kant

We have been users for such a long time that often we forget how broad our use was. We did not merely use substances or behaviours, we used people, exploited situations, manipulated and controlled. Everything and everyone were means to an end – such is a life of self-centeredness.
As we heal from this disease, our sickness leaves us gradually. Somethings take longer than others to heal. Step 8 is about acknowledging our using and choosing to no longer be a user. Living amends is often the best we can achieve. There are many people that we have hurt that we do not; know, know where they are, or have a way of contacting them. Treating others always as an end in themselves can be a crucial part of living a life of respect, gratitude, and humility, rather than one of use.
This is not always easy. There are a lot of relationships that we have with people, places, and things, that are relationships of utility. I do not know my cab driver, I merely need her to drive me to my destination, for example. Living the practice – practicing these principles in all of our affairs – means that we have an opportunity to make a connection and treat that cab driver as a human being. She may be of use to me as a cab driver, but she is not merely of use. We are limited in our understanding, but limitless in our capacity for love and kindness. We may never know our impact, but may make the choice anyways.

Today, let me treat all of my encounters and relationships – including myself – with tender loving kindness. May my Higher Power help me remember that I am not in control of outcomes, but I may control how I treat myself and others. Just for today, let me see a world of ends, not a world of means.

August 31 – Peace Work

“If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work” – Thich Nhat Hanh

We love to complicate things. Chaos reigns in the overthought and unnecessarily complex. Some things in our lives are delicate and multifaceted. Many are simple.
We talk about carrying the message forward. We talk about carrying these principles into all of our affairs. We talk about living amends. We talk about the change of self – self-compassion, empathy, and peace. None of these need, necessarily, mean more than carrying our smile into the world. When we genuinely approach situations with love, care and good-humour, it is incredible the kind of transformations that we see.
We have all already experienced it. When we first enter these rooms we are met with kindness, love, support, trust, empathy and smiles. To bring that feeling, even if just a little bit, to those that exist in our day-to-day... what a gift!
We spent such a long time as harbingers of chaos and pain, we can now give ourselves permission to be bringers of peace.

Today, let me bring a genuine smile and peaceful demeanor to as much of my life as I am able. I ask my Higher Power to help me be happy, peaceful, and calm in situations that used to get me worked up. Just for today, I can bring peace rather than chaos. I am grateful that I can do so because I am clean and sober.

September 1 – The Inner Eye

“Racing, chasing, hunting,
drives people crazy.
Trying to get rich
ties people in knots.

So the wise soul
watches with the inner
not the outward eye,
letting that go,
keeping this.” – Dao De Jing

We are spiritual beings, on a spiritual journey. Before we understood this, we tried to fill our spiritual yearning with substances. Failing that, we would try to fill our lives with material goods. We were caught up in envy, jealousy, and greed.
When we are set to make amends, some of them can be costly. Some take a toll on our pride, some require us to face behaviour that we are ashamed of, some financial amends can seem overwhelming. It is in these moments that it is easiest to forget that we are spiritual creatures first.
These moments pull our eye outward. We can be tempted to forgo the difficult work in favour of material comfort. The stresses of this world can be mitigated by money; however, it is only with trust in our Higher Power and a willingness to grow on spiritual lines that we will remember what is important and what is not.
It may be tempting to latch on to material gains we have made in sobriety, but we can only keep these if we put recovery first. If we wish to stay clean and sober, our discretion on such matters need always include our fellows, our sponsor and our Higher Power. Trusting our inner eye – our inner voice – in the face of material stress is difficult, but we know that it is precisely in these difficult places that we grow the most.

Today, when I am struck with the cost of my past, I will remember that they are material costs for spiritual benefits. I remember the costs of my active addiction, both material and spiritual. I ask my Higher Power to remind me that if I stay clean and sober, I will be taken care of, and that there is no cost too great.

September 2 – Suffering

“To be in favor or disgrace
is to live in fear.
...
I suffer most because
Of me and selfishness.
If I were selfless, then
What suffering would I bear?” – Dao De Jing

We often worry about what others think of us. In our active addiction, we often spent most of our energy trying to control narratives. We desired to determine how people saw us, what they saw us doing, and how unyielding and strong we could be. Our motivations were never genuine – at best, they were mixed. Selflessness for the sake of image is not selflessness, it is self-centeredness.
Our hearts, our bodies, our minds can hurt. Our ego suffers. When we look to the opinions and judgements of others as the metric to our success and our value, we will suffer. When we are praised or scorned we are still basing our value on others' opinions.
In recovery we begin to understand that we suffered for all our machinations. When we were successful, we suffered the favour of others. When we were unsuccessful we suffered their admonitions. In recovery we discover that when we perform acts of service, when we show up, when we bring our bare selves, we are loved and supported.
The community provides a place where we can be in pain. We can be in pain together, we can be with others in their pain. But we do not need to suffer. Pain comes to us all, suffering is what we do alone in silence.

Today, let me remember that no matter how hard or painful my day might be, I need not suffer – I have a family and community that love and support me. I ask my Higher Power to help me be there for those that are in pain right now. Just for today, I will look for ways to be of service to myself, to others, and to my community.

September 3 – Hopelessness

“It is our suffering that brings us together. It is not love. Love does not obey the mind, and turns to hate when forced. The bond that binds us is beyond choice. We are brothers. We are brothers in what we share. In pain, which each of us must suffer alone, in hunger, in poverty, in hope, we know our brotherhood. We know it, because we have had to learn it. We know that there is no help for us but from one another, that no hand will save us if we do not reach out our hand. And the hand that you reach out is empty, as mine is. You have nothing. You possess nothing. You own nothing. You are free. All you have is what you are, and what you give.” – Ursula K. Le Guin

While living amends may be the best we can hope for in many situations, it is not sufficient in as many as we may like. Nor is it a quick amends to make.
We have hurt those around us in myriad and deep ways. When we get clean and sober, we think “here it is!”. It is enough for us and it appears to be what our friends and family have wanted all along. While sufficient to us, clean sobriety does not repair trust, apologize, undo damage, etc. It is what we must hold onto, but it is just the beginning for those around us.
Our disease is not merely one of substance use and abuse. It brings with it a cocktail of painful, harmful and frustrating features. We rely on this fellowship and our Higher Power to remove our defects of character, but these also do not disappear overnight.
Our amends may include paying back debts, apologizing for wrongs, etc. But it is when we can come to those we love (and whom we have hurt) with open hand, desire to help, loving heart and healthy spirit that we can rebuild those bonds that we damaged. It is only once we've changed that our behaviour changes. It is only once we let go and inhabit our new character that others will see. This is living amends.

Today, I ask my Higher Power to help me let go of all of my bahviours that do not serve me or others. Let me turn to my fellows and ask for honest feedback. Today, I pray that I may live better than I did yesterday and that I may give even more tomorrow.

September 4 – Purpose

“The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Many of us entered this program desperate for purpose. We spent so much time singularly focused on the next drink, the next hit, the next rush. The grace period in early sobriety (the pink cloud, as some call it) makes us think we are ready. It imbues us with a sense of limitlessness and possibility. We are eager, but we are not yet patient.
Recovery is a slow process. Our grace period, our pink cloud, never seems to last as long as we would like. We rediscover our finitude. It is hard to stay clean and sober. Life is difficult and draining at times. We desperately want a purpose, but can feel stuck going to meetings, doing step work, making up for past mistakes, and surviving our day-to-day.
Our Higher Power has a purpose for each and every one of us. It is not important that we know what that is, nor that we actively pursue it. It is important that we do the work; that we stay open and willing; that we remain honest. In doing these things, we discover that we can be of service to those like us. As our financial and social lives mend from the chaos, we can find peace and value in helping others. For some of us, this is sufficient. For others, it is a stepping stone to understanding what comes next.

Today, I will remember that my Higher Power has a purpose for me. It is not important that I know what it is, but believe that it is. If I follow the steps laid out before me – if I remain open, honest and willing – my purpose will be fulfilled, if not understood.

September 5 – Impact

“One word after another. That’s the only way that novels get written and, short of elves coming in the night and turning your jumbled notes into Chapter Nine, it’s the only way to do it. So keep on keeping on. Write another word and then another” – Neil Gaiman

In reflecting on the life we have lived there are so many anonymous folk that we have hurt. Our self-centeredness affected all those around us; the clerk at the grocery store, other drivers on the road, fellow patrons at our local haunts, and on and on. These are too numerous and too subtle to make amends for. It is impossible to track down every stranger with whom we shared a harsh word or a mean look.
The other side of this reality is that we have an impact. Every action we take in the world impacts so many people around us. Nearly always in ways that we will never be aware of. Our choice to smile at strangers, be kind to those in the service industry, to hold open the door, to give a homeless person our change, to volunteer our time, to give up our parking spot... all of these things have an impact.
The choice is ours whether to despair of all the negative we have brought into the world or, like the writer of fiction, change the world around us – build it up – one small action at a time. For our story is not written, it is in progress. We are always able to edit, proofread, and amend. We can always choose character development, we can always head towards a happy ending.

Today, I ask my Higher Power to help me be the best that I can be in all of my daily interactions. I will remember that a smile, a nod, a compliment, ripples out into the world in ways I cannot even fathom. Today, I choose to write a better story one small action, one word, at a time.

September 6 – Out There

“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it” – Flannery O'Connor.

We were isolated and alienated for so long. When we entered these rooms we felt connected and supported in ways that many of us had never imagined. There is so much beauty in the power of unconditional love. It was scary at times as well. As we grow and build relationships with our fellows and with our sponsors, as we work the steps and read the literature, as we surround ourselves with people in recovery, things become more manageable – more comfortable.
This is a welcome reprieve from the chaos of our active addiction. It can also serve as a kind of bubble from the rest of the world. Members of the fellowship love and support one another, provide honest feedback, and are a mix of all sorts of personalities. We do however, share a goal and we share a language. This language is not always speakable or understood outside the fellowship and recovery communities. There is a world out there, full of people who could not care less about what is going on in our lives.
Step Nine is an opportunity to re-enter that world, transformed. It is an opportunity to “leave the nest” and to test our wings on the wild air currents of the “real world”. It is directly coming into contact with those outside the program in relation to our recovery.
The truth of what we did has not changed. Our desire to make amends can only go as far as those we have harmed will accept amends. But our capacity to stomach outcomes has been radically transformed. With the love and support of our peers, the love and guidance of our sponsors, the love and faith in our Higher Power, we can stomach whatever truth we are presented with. We are ready for the real world.

Today, I will remember who I was without fear or shame. I will make my amends where possible and be ready for any result. I will trust my sponsor, my Higher Power, and my peers. Today, I am ready to do what scares me.

September 7 – Avoidance is a Drug

“The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain” – Gabor Maté

We are strange creatures. At once we wish to take on every injustice and avoid every discomfort. We wish to make it right and ignore it until it disappears, both at the same time. In active addiction we were confused. We reveled in our displeasure and we avoided any remedial action or solution.
After we have become willing to make our amends. The next step is to make direct amends. This transition from internal work to external work provides a window. This is the avoidance window. We know it well and have held it dear for many years. Both in active addiction and in recovery, avoiding doing whats hard is often appealing. But avoidance keeps us every bit as sick as the first drink or the first hit.
Clean and sober are not in themselves sufficient. Honest, willing and open. We hear it again and again in these rooms. We read it in the literature. We see it in our fellows. Our vulnerability and our capacity to face pain is the only way through. We have the love and support to face our pain. We have a sponsor to help us become ready. We have our Higher Power to carry us through.

Today, I will trust this program. I will trust my peers. I will trust my Higher Power. I will remember that avoiding my pain today does not merely put it off, but lets it grow. I will face my pain and I will grow.

September 8 – Learning

“In the degradation of the great way
come benevolence and righteousness.
With exaltation of learning and prudence
comes immense hypocrisy.
The disordered family
is full of dutiful children and parents.
The disordered society
is full of loyal patriots” – Dao De Jing

When we blindly follow our own will we end up at the bottom of a bottle, a bag or a grave. When we become obsessed with the rules we become “patriots” or “sticklers” or “ignorant”. When we praise intelligence of the mind, and the material economy of practice we value the wrong things. When we are good-hearted but sick, we are benevolent and moral. It is only when we are leading spiritual lives that we become well.
When we enter the rooms and discover what the program asks of us, we can become overwhelmed. It is easy to read the steps as rules, or commands, or hurdles. It is important to remember our preamble – these are suggestions. The more time we spend in these rooms the more it becomes apparent why this program works. No one tells anyone what they must do.
We are sick people helping one another get better by whatever means possible. It is our collective lack of expertise but breadth of experience that carries each of us along. No one is kicked out for not following the rules. No one is excluded if they are willing. There are steps and there are traditions. We participate and we emulate.

Today, I will remember that my spiritual well-being is paramount. I ask that my Higher Power remind me when I revert to following rules or giving orders. I will remember that the way before me is one of spiritual progress, one day at a time, one addict helping another.

September 9 – Light from Darkness

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.” – Aldous Huxley

Emerging from the chaos and darkness and into the light of recovery has been a transformative journey. We are able to see, feel, think, and act with clarity that was previously unknown to us. We develop relationships in honesty and trust. We learn to set reasonable, healthy, boundaries and to enforce them. Our actions become understandable to those we impact. Family and friends can breathe easier.
There is a tendency in early recovery, amongst some members of the fellowship, to feel that they most hold more and more tightly to all the good things that they are experiencing. In the rooms we often hear things like: “I am so much more at peace, but as my life gets better I am afraid now, because I have something to lose”. It is understandable to fear to lose the gift of sobriety and all that comes with it. It is understandable to want to hold tightly to those things we value.
But just as light banishes the darkness. Lightness in our lives allows us to keep what is most valuable: Give it away to keep it. Our friendships last when we give friendship freely and honesty. Our loving relationship with our Higher Power sustains us when we give of our time and energy for others. Our finances start to level out (after years of chaos) when we pay our debts and make good on what we owe. We stay sober when we give time and support other addicts.
Our Higher Power provides what we need, but rarely what we want – or think we need. If we hold to our own ideas about what we want or need, we will be disappointed. If we hold lightly to our ideas, let go of our expectations and trust our Higher Power, we will be able to cope with whatever comes.

Today, I will remember that this new world of clean sobriety is full of light. I will hold this life lightly and, with the help of my Higher Power, live lightly.

September 10 – Mistakes

“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride” – Sophocles

When we are making our amends it can bring up discomfort. We can make mistakes, and often do in our first attempts, when making the amends themselves. It is important to remember that we are human, we are flawed, we make mistakes. This is why we need to make amends in the first place. Yet we learn through making mistakes. So, it may be the case that we need to make amends for our initial attempts to make amends.
This may seem particularly scary or frustrating. Until we realize that it is our pride – our ego – that tells us that the mistake is wrong in the first place. When we trust our Higher Power and our sponsors, we can face mistakes and learn from them. When we refuse to get started for fear of failure, we venture into the territory of committing and sustaining real damage to ourselves and others.
When we make mistakes we prove our humanity, when we admit to them and attempt to make amends, we solidify our sobriety, when we love others and ourselves enough to embrace what life brings, we heal our spirit.

Today, let me let go of my pride. Grant me faith that my Higher Power will not present me with anything I cannot handle. Let me embraced my mistakes and learn from them. Just for today, let me trust in those who support me.

September 11 – This Hammer of Our Discontent

“They sound like the philosophy of a man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache” – Big Book p. 23

We are avoiders, blamers, finger-pointers, case-builders, soliloquyers, and self-centred types. In our active addiction, or out of it, these developed as habits and processes over our long drinking and using careers. We can change these behaviours, change the default. This is no quick process. We did not hit rock-bottom overnight. Our ascent out of the pit will take time as well.
When it comes to making our amends, these behaviours can come back in full. We procrastinate, we avoid, we blame, we case-build, etc. We return our focus on ourselves to avoid doing what is hard – what is right.
If we avoid our amends, we are using the very tools that got us into trouble, to avoid one instance of making good on that trouble. It is as if we have laid the foundation to build a home, but, not wanting to put the roof on, we rip the whole thing down. The solution is worse than the problem.
Our capacity to recognize our wrong-doing and to make amends is a product of a lot of progress. We have come along way. With our Higher Power, our peers and our sponsors at our side, we have climbed (mostly) out of that pit. When faced with difficulty it can be tempting to revert to old ways. But, like the man making it out of the pit and seeing bright light for the first time, we can cover our eyes and be led by those that support us, or we can turn and jump back in.

Today, I will remember that the temptation to backtrack is actually an indication of how far I've come. I will trust my supports and venture forward. I ask my Higher Power to remind me that the tools that got me into this mess will not get me out of it.

September 12 – Telling on Ourselves

"Anyone can possess, anyone can profess, but it is an altogether different thing to confess" – Shannon L. Alder

Many of us came into the program as brilliant orators. We could talk circles around other people, we could claim the moral high ground, throw-blame like an expert. It was a way to survive our lives and continue to survive our active addiction. In recovery, some of us develop a taste for silence. Some of us keep talking, but change the content. All of us learn to take responsibility. We learn to be accountable for our actions.
It is not in telling others what to do. It is not in telling others what is good. It is in showing our humanity and living the truth of this program that we are transformed. We make a mistake, lose our temper, react poorly, and we immediately say: “Look what I have done! I'm sorry.” The first time this happens, it can be shocking. Most of us would not have believed such honesty and integrity were possible. What we would have conceived of as a weakness in the past becomes a sign of strength and growth. When we can forgive one another and forgive ourselves, the world is opened up.

Today, let me confess to my mistakes. I ask that my Higher Power help me tell on myself when I have done something that I am not proud of. Today, I will remember that honesty is strength and secrets keep me sick.

September 13 – A Collection of O.D.D. Folk

“Friends ask you questions; enemies question you” – Criss Jami

We are a defiant bunch. Nearly all members of the fellowship display symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (O.D.D.). Whether we would merit the diagnosis or not is beside the point. We share a common tendency, to varying degrees, to resist instruction. This can show up in a number of unexpected ways.
It is easy to see when someone tells us, to our face, to do something. “F— you!” or “F— off!” or “Mind your own business!” were common replies in active addiction; however, we often hear more polite variants in recovery. This is one of the reasons that having a sponsor we trust is so important. It is a relationship in which we actively practice following advice or directives without resistance.
One insidious place that this shows up is our self-talk. Many of us have suffered from self-loathing and self-hatred for so long that our inner voices are enemies, not friends. We try to set up healthy structure for our recovery? Our inner voice says: “F— you, I won't do it!” We make plans to make amends, our inner voices start to challenge our worth.
It is not clear that those voices (one member lovingly refers to them as the council of arseholes) will ever totally disappear; however, we can begin to look for that voice that is our friend. We can trust our peers, trust our sponsor, trust our Higher Power until we can identify that inner voice that wants us to succeed. That voice that loves and supports us. That healthy loving self. When we become our own friend – rather than our own enemy – we can start to implement healthy plans without such frustrating self-sabotage. But before we can achieve the solution, it is helpful to understand the problem.

Today, I ask my Higher Power to help amplify my inner friend and quiet my inner council of arseholes. When I feel myself reacting in defiance, let me pause and check in. Let me turn to friends rather than enemies to determine the next right step. Let me trust my Higher Power. Just for today let me ask myself questions, rather than question myself.

September 14 – Patience is more than Watching Hair Grow

“On tiptoe your stance is unsteady;
Long strides make you progress unsure;
Show off and you get no attention;
Your boasting will mean you have failed;
Asserting yourself brings no credit;
Be proud and you never will lead” – Dao De Jing

Recovery, in a lot of ways, seems to be a waiting game. The promises materialize when they do. Many of us wish to rush to the end. Most of us have lived with one foot in the future, one in the past, while we dump on the present. The patience to wait for what is good in clean sobriety can seem interminable, especially when we think of the things we've lost. Our old habits, friends, haunts, etc. It can take a long time to grieve the loss of our D.O.C. – it can take a long time to grieve the loss of our old life.
The patience in waiting for the good stuff, is not just a practice in letting time pass. The act of developing patience is part of the process to get the good stuff. It is much like watching hair grow. Those of us that would love long and luscious hair might decide to let it grow. We can do all the things we need to let it grow and nurture it. We can actively decide not to cut it (again). But having done all these things, we must be patient. Every morning we can check... it looks about the same length. We can talk about growing it out. We can try to eat foods or take supplements that “help” it grow. We can claim that our hair is long and luscious, though it isn't (yet). But one day, if we have done the right things, and lived our lives – rather than watching it grow – someone will say “Wow, what long and luscious hair!” and we will be surprised.

Today, let me focus on what I can do. Let me bring my feet into the present – firmly grounded. I ask my Higher Power to help me focus on the things I can do today. Let me be open to hearing those statements about how I have grown.

September 15 – Life Imitates Art

“Mendacity is a system that we live in,… liquor is one way out an' death's the other” – Tennessee Williams

When we live in dishonesty, there are few roads available to us. Until we become honest, it is numbness we crave. Through actions, substances, or death, we all desired an end to what ailed us. Luckily, we were wrong about what was wrong. Luckily, we were wrong about what we could do.
Our habits, the company we kept, and our stories about ourselves and the world, led us to some startling conclusions. First, that we had to lie to survive. Second, that the only way to escape the fear and shame that come with lying, was to use, avoid, numb-out.
We were wrong on all counts. When we change our habits – when we stop using. When we change the company we keep – we come to a program of recovery. When we change our stories – we become honest with ourselves, with others, and with God. When we do all of these things, we discover that it was our own denial, our own dishonesty that was poisoning the well. When we become honest, we live in a different story. We find a new and better normal. The good news is that it is no longer “death or DOC”. The better news is that we no longer want a way out.

Today, let me remember the world I had created in my active addiction. I am grateful for my peers and for my Higher Power – today I live in a different world. Today, let me be the best I can be, in a world that let's me be great.

September 16 – Who's in Charge?

“A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies” – Friedrich Nietzsche

It would seem not to matter when this is read, there is likely some divisive political hullabaloo charging up the public discourse and letting loose unfettered emotions and judgements. While these events can draw our attention and provide us with the high of being consumed by emotion. They also draw us away from our spiritual well-being. What is true of the politician is true of ourselves when we try to run our own lives.
It is when we give up the reins to our Higher Power that we can begin to see our fellows as human beings. We are all children of God. Human power leads to human misery, our Higher Power leads to human flourishing. It is through this letting go that we can make connections. For as much as we may like our tools, or hate our enemies, they do not provide us with the human connection we so desperately crave.
When we recognize that we are powerless over people, places, and outcomes, we can let go of feeling responsible for them. We experience freedom from conflict when we stop taking responsibility for anyone but ourselves. When we work our Step Nine, we put into action this notion of being responsible for ourselves, and letting the rest go.

Today, let me remember who's in charge. I am grateful that this world is full of people and not merely tools and enemies. I am grateful that I am no longer a manipulator. Help me find peace in personal accountability and responsibility; help me let go of everything else.

September 17 – Self-Knowledge: A Part of the Picture

“The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions,
the more you become a lover of what is” – Spinoza

Self-knowledge is a crucial component to recovery. We were very practiced at appearing self-assured, but most of us feared to look inside. We feared what we might find when the manipulation, the dishonesty, and the control slipped away. Those of us with a loud council of arseholes, probably feared that they were right.
We spend time in this program. We listen to others – we really listen. We start to focus on our similarities. We listen to our sponsors. We listen to our Higher Power. We ask for help. As we come to discover who we are – who we are capable of being – we come close to peace.
For many of us fear of the judgement of others was a primary motivator. We wanted to control what other people saw, heard, thought, etc. Our image was of ultimate importance, our true character always remained hidden. We did not have self-esteem and so craved the esteem of our peers. The members of this fellowship will love and support us (not our ego, our image, or facade) until we can come to love ourselves. We are supported in clearly and honestly exploring who we are. Who we are does not depend on the opinions of others.
When we love ourselves and are disinterested in the judgement of others, we can process life on life's terms. We can let go of our desire to control. We can love what is. Step Nine is an opportunity to put this into practice. We make amends to make amends. We do not attempt to change people's opinions. We do not try to recover face. We do not change the narrative. We merely clean up our side of the street. We genuinely try to make good for our past mistakes and wrongs. There is freedom in an honest act that does not hold expected outcomes.

Today, when I am faced with a judgement, I will breathe. I will remember that I know who I am. I am a child of God amongst many. Today, I will carry the love I receive into my interactions with others.

September 18 – The Satisfied Mind

“The greatest wealth is to live content with little, for there is never want where the mind is satisfied” – Lucretius

There are few things that satisfy us immediately that continue to feel satisfying as time passes. D.O.C.s are a great example of this, but not the only one. Buying that new car, getting the raise, buying the house, etc. These all tend to be fleeting joys, that lead only to the next craving.
What we learn in this program, is that the lasting contentment – what leaves us satisfied – is service to others. We find service in many places: chairing meetings, sponsorship, cleaning up, making coffee, bringing food, volunteer work, etc. But, unlike those things listed above, these things never turn to regret. We may regret getting sucked in and buying the new sports-car, but we will never regret sitting with an addict who is suffering. We may regret our promotion when we realize that more money means more responsibility and less time for family, we will never regret taking that call at 4 am and saving a life. We may feel guilty about the people we had to step on to meet our material wants, but we will never feel regret for taking time spread the message. We may regret a great number of things, but we will never regret treating other human beings with dignity and respect.
Our lives can become acts of service as well. In living a life of spiritual principles we are living examples of alternatives to those still suffering (addict or not). When we choose love, peace and support, we impact our world. When we make amends we are also making a statement to everyone around us, that this is a way that we can live. We do not have to regret our past, we can learn from it. We do not have to live in shame, we can make amends. We do not have to live in fear, stress, anger and resentment – there is another way.

Today, let me remember what truly satisfies me. I ask my Higher Power to help me be the best example I can be to those around me. Let me find contentment in those things that I know that I will never regret.

September 19 – Naming Stories

“To order, to govern,
is to begin naming;
when names proliferate
it's time to stop.
If you know when to stop
you're in no danger

The Way in the world
is as a stream to the valley,
a river to the sea” – Dao De Jing

We are great tellers of stories and namers of things. All things that are named have characteristics – they have definitions – that are unchanging: our enemies are our enemies; those that have hurt us are bastards; all men are evil; all women are evil; no one is trustworthy; I am different. But these are just stories. The problem with a story is that, if we read to the end, we cannot change what happens.
When we make decisions and follow them into the future, we create a very specific trajectory for our, and other's, lives. When we tell ourselves stories, instead of creating our stories with those around us, we lose our capacity to be surprised, to be proved wrong, to be hopeful.
When we stop naming things, when we trust that our Higher Power is writing the script, and we are all improvising our roles, there is freedom in the possibility: our enemies might just be misunderstood friends, those that hurt us may have been hurt by us in turn; some men are awesome; these women are amazing; I can trust my peers, my sponsor, my Higher Power, until I can learn to trust myself; there are others like me.
When we allow the world to present itself, without trying to name, categorize, control or story-tell, we can find our way through life, like the river. Water always finds its way.

Today, let me recognize when I am naming or story-telling. I ask that my Higher Power help me come into the moment and remember that the story is being written in this moment.

September 20 – Clarity

“Peace is not the absence of war, it is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition of benevolence, confidence, justice” – Spinoza

Language is a funny thing. We use it, but often do not understand it. We assume we all mean the same thing by the same words and we often do not think very carefully about what things mean. In our active addiction we were the masters of misreading or distorting words to suit our narratives: “I said I wouldn't drink any beer, not that I wouldn't drink at all”, “I said one drink, it is one drink, it's just a quadruple”, etc.
There are words that we learn in recovery, but there are still more words that we have to relean in recovery. Words have different meanings and contexts outside of the self-centered lives we used to lead.
Peace. Peace used to mean that fleeting space between conflict. Peace used to mean that moment between blackout and sleep. Peace used to mean everyone else shutting up. Peace used to be the external conditions that we needed.
Peace has become an internal state. It means that we react with empathy, not anger. It means we do not worry about other people's choice; we are powerless over, and not responsible for, them. Peace is faith that we will be able to face whatever comes. Peace is knowing that we can make mistakes. Peace is action. Peace is making amends. Peace is knowing we have fellows, friends, sponsors, and a Higher Power that loves, supports and is truthful with us.

Today, I will examine what peace means to me. I am grateful that it is some accessible. I will enjoy the peace I find today and do my best to make the world a more peaceful place.

September 21 – Of our own Understanding

“Each of us bears his own Hell” – Virgil

In the rooms we often here about a Higher Power as we understand him; or, a Higher Power of our own understanding. This allows each of us to develop our own functioning and loving relationship with a Higher Power. It is brilliant insofar as it does not produce any occasion for conflict. Each of us may have a very different picture of our Higher Power and that is excellent, there is no concern over who is “right”.
Something less talked about, is that we all carry a Hell of our own understanding. While our symptoms and experiences are not unique – we share so many similarities – we do have different concepts of what the worst thing is. For some of us, we dwell in self-pity. For some of us, it is past-erizing. For some of us, it is ruminating on wasted potential/opportunities/relationships. For some of us, it is failing to make amends before someone died/moved on/cut us out.
What is amazing about this, is that it works the same way as our conceptions of our Higher Power. We need not agree on the details to empathize. We need not have to the same rock bottom – but we all have rock bottom(s). We need not agree on the nature of Hell, to know what it feels like to go through it.

Today, I will remember that for all the differences that make me me, I am surrounded by those that each have their own version of Hell to face. I have my own Higher Power to help me through, and each person has their own. Whatever their Hell looks like, I can stand with them – none of us need bear our Hell alone.

September 22 – Changing Comp-lanes

“We make our own problems every time. Everything that we complain about is something we can solve” – Bruce Campbell

When we complain we are identifying a problem. When we identify a problem, we have several choices, these include, but are not limited to: a) solve the problem; b) ask for help to solve the problem; c) remove ourselves from the problematic situation; d) change how we feel about the problem; e) insist that someone else solve the problem for us; or, f) relish in the problem.
Choosing option f, is choosing non-acceptance. Complaining is the ultimate non-acceptance of what is. It is comparing life's terms to our terms. Complaining is something most of us were very familiar with during our active addictions. It may have looked like lamenting injustice. It may have looked like temper tantrums. It may have looked like inaction. It may have looked like procrastination. It may have looked like all of the above and more.
When we complain, we know what it is that is bothering us. What we learn in this program is to make a decision and take some action. With the support of our peers, sponsors and Higher Power, this may look different in different situations. Often, it is as simple as changing how we feel.

Today, if I do not like something, I will change it, ignore it, and/or change how I feel about it. I am grateful that I no longer need to sit in non-acceptance. Just for today, I will change the world or change my mind, but not complain.

September 23 – Doing Things

“I am only one. But still, I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do” – Edward Everett

As much mischief as we got up to in our active addiction, most of us did very little. We used a lot, we talked a lot, we complained a lot, we blamed a lot, but did little.
It is interesting to see all of the basic life tasks that get completed in early sobriety: Dentists? Booked and visited, no longer an issue. Garage? Cleaned out and sorted, only took a couple days. That shelf that has been broken for years? Fixed in 20 minutes. These are some of the little things that we didn't do in our addiction. Exercising? 3 times a week is easy now, when once a week was too much.
There are things of a different nature that we didn't do as well. We didn't make time for others. Our capacity to do relationships is one of the greatest gifts of recovery. Relationships don't just exist, they are built over time, all the time. We become capable or taking and making time for those we love.
The next right step. Many of us refused to steer our live towards the future we wanted. Because the destination was so far, and the steps, too many, we never really committed to the journey. In recovery we can take steps, one at a time, while trusting our Higher Power. We may not be able to control the outcome, but our chances of the future we want are infinitely higher when we are working towards it, then when we are sitting idle.
We may not control outcomes, but we can certainly get things started.

Today, I will do something. I am grateful to my Higher Power that I can start things with trust and with faith. I will spend time and energy on my relationships, my projects, and my passions. Just for today, I will celebrate that I am no longer idle.

September 24 – Dr. Do-a-little

“Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little” – Edmund Burke

We hit rock-bottom by using, manipulating, cheating, etc. a little bit more every week, for years (sometimes decades). We often feel as though we should see the benefits of recovery instantly. Some of them we do. We feel physically better. We do not need to wake up in fear of what we had said or done the night before. But some of the benefits of recovery will take time, just as our active addiction took time to manifest.
It can be discouraging to find ourselves falling into habits or patterns of behaviour that were prevalent in our active addiction. Sometimes we procrastinate. Sometimes we say screw it and eat junk food all day. Sometimes, we lay in bed far too long in the morning. Sometimes we sit and stew in a resentment or a frustration. These are all normal things. They take time, they take practice, they take patience.
They do not change, however, without effort. Recovery is work. The thing about big projects is that it is often difficult to see the progress we are making while we are making it. When we set to climb a mountain, it is one step at a time. It can often feel like we aren't moving until, one day, we are at the summit looking out.

Today, I will remember that to move this mountain I must move one stone at a time. I thank my Higher Power for being with me every step of the way. Just for today, I am grateful that I can do a little.

September 25 – The Great Thought

“Hold fast to the great thought
and all the world will come to you
harmless, peaceable, serene” – Dao De Jing

We used to use when times were good. We would use when times were bad. We would use and turn good times bad and use our way from a bad spot to a good time. There was always harm, turmoil, chaos.
Holding to the knowledge that we have a loving and supportive Higher Power is an incredibly powerful shift. Knowing that we have other addicts that love and support us, helps us believe this. In accepting that this world is here for us – it doesn't happen to us – means that, with the proper support, we can face anything that comes our way.
We become grateful for what is. This is importantly different from only experiencing positive or uplifting things. It means facing everything knowing that each thing we face is an opportunity to grow. Each challenge is a gift from our Higher Power: scary events, getting vulnerable, making amends. With faith, with trust, with love, we can move through life harmless, peaceable, serene.

Today, I am grateful for my Higher Power. I invite faith, I invite love, I invite trust into my life. I welcome the gifts of sobriety that come when I hold to the great thought.

September 26 – Imagittude

“Everything you can imagine is real” – Pablo Picasso

As a culture, we seem to have lost our imaginations. We use movies, video games, youtube, etc, rather than explore the limitless possibilities of our creative faculties. This is even more true for those in active addiction. The desire to numb-out leaves our positive imaginations unused and unflexed.
We are, however, very much aware of attitude. Attitude is disposition. Attitude is to set ourselves up in a certain way and maintain it throughout the day, week, year, etc. We were victims in our addiction. We had the attitude that everyone was out to get us. This means that any perceived slight was given our full attention and our full wrath. Conversely, a small hurt might turn into a crushing depression.
What we learn in this program is that attitude is just a disposition. We get to choose our disposition with the help of others. But we can only choose what we can imagine. Early on in this program most of us have to be told what the promises of recovery will be. Over time we come to imagine them for ourselves.
When we can wake up and imagine a day full of connection and growth we can orient ourselves towards that reality. When we imagine blessed days full of love and support, we get to live them.

Today, I will practice using my positive imagination. Just for today, I anticipate good things and hard things, but all things that will be useful to me. With the help of my Higher Power, I will create the world in which I want to live – not only will I survive in it, I will thrive in it.

September 27 – Block, Paper, Scissors

“I'm just trying to be somebody I can talk to in the morning with a smile” – Ian Matthias Bavitz

There is a whole new set of terminology to learn when we enter the fellowship. The idea of blockable goals may have been known to some of us, but was likely news to most. This is the idea that we can set different types of goals: some are achievable on our own steam, others require others to do, say, or accept certain things. For example, “I want to make amends for the harm I caused to my brother.” A block-able goal would be, “I want my brother to forgive me”.
The more complex a goal, the more likely it will be blockable. The simpler, the more likely it is both achievable and unblockable. Our dispositions tend towards chaos, lofty goals, and the grandiose. The beauty of this program and its accompanying supports is that we can think, live, love, and trust simply.
Taking the time to break our complex futurizing down into manageable chunks then breaking those chunks into small achievable goals can do wonders for our sense of momentum in recovery. Sometimes, however, the simplest goals have the strongest and longest impacts.

Today, let me take my time and think through my goals. Let me celebrate my successes. May my Higher Power help me find a simple and life affirming goal for the day. I, too, wish to be somebody I can talk to in the morning with a smile.

September 28 – Deception

“Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves” – Jean-Jacques Rousseau

We have been so good at self-deception for so long, it can be hard to unlearn some of our tendencies. It is like looking at sun circling the sky and forgetting that it is, in fact, us that are moving. It is easy for us to fall back into thinking that everything in our lives revolves around us. Perceptions are easily distorted. It takes practice to remember that appearances can be deceiving and to adjust our view.
When we place our Higher Power at the centre of our lives, remembering that we are just part of a much greater and more wonderful plan than we could even conceive of, we can participate in something truly beautiful. When things seem unclear, muddy, or confused, it can be helpful to remember that the world is nothing but clear, it is our minds that are confused.
We learn to ask for help. We learn to ask for clarity. We learn to follow directions, even if we cannot see their purpose. We work a program on faith, until the truth is made manifest for us. We trust this fellowship because they will be clear with us, even when we are deceiving ourselves.

Today, I will rely on those that see me. I will remember that my thinking is not always clear. I ask my Higher Power to help me hold the truth lightly and engage fully in this beautiful life of clean sobriety – a life of which I am a part, but not the centre.

September 29 – Wholeness

“How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole” – Carl Jung

In pieces, things can be distorted. We often went to pieces when things didn't go our way. There was nothing easier to drink and use at than unmet expectations. We also have a tendency to pull things apart. We have a strange compulsion to nitpick – to find the flaw amidst the beauty.
Part of finding serenity is learning to see the whole. In recovery, we learn to respond rather than react. We learn to deliberate and ask for help. We learn patience. We learn trust. With these tools in hand, we can see those parts of our lives that we may find troubling: death, loss, unmet ambitions, material struggles, etc. When we see them without judgement. When we see them as part of the greater whole that is our lives, we can begin to appreciate them for what they are. We cannot have a body without casting a shadow or we cannot have light without darkness.
In recovery, we learn not only to accept these parts, but to embrace them. It is in these difficult moments that we become most vulnerable, that we connect most genuinely with our sponsors, peers, and Higher Power. Without things being hard, at times, we would never need to ask for help. Without needed help, we would never grow to love, trust and depend on one another. It is in life's hardness that we are truly made whole.

Today, I will pay attention to my shadow and remember that it lets me know that I am real and substantial. I ask my Higher Power to help me see other things in my life as indications of what is real, rather than difficulties or problems. Just for today, let me hold the whole and let go the pieces.

September 30 – The Whole World is a Mirror

“Reflect upon your present blessings – of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some” – Charles Dickens

We were experts in seeing the worst – in ourselves, in others, in the world, in situations – and became snap judges. We made decisions quickly and ruthlessly. We could sniff out deception, we always knew what everyone was thinking, we were alone against the world. But being alone, we turned our judgements inward, highly critical of ourselves. We were self-flagellating and bitter in our self-loathing.
When we entered these rooms we were desperate. We were tired of the manipulating and storytelling. We couldn't stand another day hating ourselves. We were greeted with love and support. We were loved and trusted and supported until we could begin to love, trust, and support ourselves and find faith in our Higher Power. What we notice is that as we change the way we think about the world around us, we cannot change but help the way we think about ourselves.
The narratives we hold about reality shape our self-conception. The cynic is rarely happy, yet members of this fellowship flourish. The fatalist sees death everywhere, yet life abounds. When we see the world as it is presented in these rooms, we cannot help but hope for a brighter future.

Today, if I find myself judging, I will let it go to my Higher Power. If I find myself suspicious or critical, I will check in to see what is going on inside. Today, I will remember that the world is a mirror and light is reflected when it is present.

October 1 – That We May Laugh

“Thoughtful people hear about the Way
and try hard to follow it.
Ordinary people hear about the Way
and wander onto it and off it.
Thoughtless people hear about the Way
and make jokes about it.
It wouldn't be the Way
if there weren't jokes about it” – Dao De Jing

We were not ready for the message of this program, until we were ready. There is no other way to come into these rooms than willingly. Some of us were skeptical, some doubted completely, some were open-minded, some came committed. We all, however, came to try hard to follow the steps, to live a conscious and spiritual life. To dedicate ourselves to growth and improvement in love.
It is not an uncommon experience to hear derision when discussion spiritual principles outside of these rooms. Friends, family, co-workers, and others look upon the work we do and scoff. They were not with us in our darkest hour, they have not been shown the power of spiritual principles. They do not need them, for their ailments are minor, ours will kill us.
While they may joke about our Higher Power, or our commitment to these principles, they cannot help but see the results. We remain sober. We own our mistakes. We become honest. We become loving and supportive. Our fears and anxieties cease to control us. In the face of such a radical transformation, the options are disbelief or humour. It is no wonder that they laugh. It is no wonder that we often laugh as well.

Today, I will remember my rock-bottom. That I am here, now, speaks to the power of this program. I will remember how impossible this all seemed, and how impossible it must still seem to those that laugh in lieu of shock and awe. Just for today, I will share in their good humour – for this path and its promises are truly unbelievable.

October 2 – Individualism

“I have no right to call myself one who knows. I was one who seeks, and I still am, but I no longer seek in the stars or in books; I'm beginning to hear the teachings of my blood pulsing within me. My story isn't pleasant, it's not sweet and harmonious like the invented stories; it tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves” – Hermann Hesse

We live in a world that constantly pits us against others. The narratives from the media, from Hollywood, from pop culture, all say the same thing: we are individuals in competition for the goods (whatever those may be). These are powerful narratives. Most of us internalize them very young. They rely on self-determination and self-propulsion. They are the basis of the “addiction-is-a-will-power-problem” myth.
These narratives perpetuate a story in which we are all independent self-sufficient beings in tenuous loose relationships getting by as long as it is advantageous. We can see the roots of high divorce rates, fickle friendships, transactional relationships in this thinking. They tell us that we are paramount and that the world is for our consumption. We relished in these stories in our active addiction. We bought in hook, line, and sinker.
There is, however, another narrative. One that posits that we are all children of God. We are community members first. We are all under the caring guidance of a loving Higher Power. It is when we are separated from the group that we suffer.
In active addiction, this is precisely what we did. We did not suffer at the hands of others, we suffered because our addiction took us away from the group. The suffering, then, comes not from failing to properly compete, but rather from a mistaken belief that we are in competition. When we see our peers as competition, we set ourselves against them. When we set ourselves against others, we isolate. When we are isolate, we die.

Today, let me celebrate that I am part of a larger whole. I thank my Higher Power for creating me to depend on others. I will celebrate my interconnectedness. Just for today, I will remember that the story of individualism is a lie – a lie that leads to my death.

October 3 – Being not Performing

“The softest of stuff in the world
penetrates quickly the hardest;
Insubstantial, it enters
Where no room is.

By this I know the benefit
Of something done by quiet being;
In all the world but few can know
Accomplishment apart from work,
Instruction when no words are used” – Dao De Jing

We were, and many of us still can be, expert performers. We could play a role, we could read a room. Whether it was manipulating or avoiding conflict, we knew what to do. Even more so if it was to keep using. We knew when to move, where to hide, what to say. We could always find a way, we were always working to get loaded.
Many of us find that characteristic in other parts of our lives as well. Ambition and drive at work, obsession with accumulating wealth and stuff. We are ready to do the hard work. We are ready to get the good stuff.
But many of us find the most difficult thing is just being. We had spent so much time working to not feel, think, be. We had marshaled incredible energy to avoid just being. A lot of recovery is just being. Being at meetings. Being present with our Higher Power. Being there for another addict. Not doing things, but being present. It can be frustrating at times because we want to get to work on our recovery; however, while recovery can be hard work at times, often it is just being present.
It takes a lot of work to crack a boulder: chisels, hammers, weights, pulleys, scaffold, etc. All orchestrated with time and energy to maximize efficiency. With much time and labour it can be done. But water, just by being, can penetrate the stone. It takes time but no effort, the water just follows its nature.

Today, if my addiction and its complications are a boulder, let me be like water. I will remember my spiritual nature and trust in my Higher Power. I am a child of God and my true nature can break any obstacle, if it is embraced. Just for today, I will stop performing and start being.

October 4 – H.P. and I

“What is dearer, fame or self?
What is worth more, man or pelf?
Which would hurt more, gain or loss?

The mean man pays the highest price;
The hoarder takes the greatest loss;
A man content is never shamed,
And self-restrained, is not in danger:
He will live forever” – Dao De Jing

We often stray into selfish or materialistic thinking. It is not easy to remember our Higher Power and our higher calling at all times. Sometimes life gets in the way. When we catch ourselves focusing on the external, when we have forgotten that God is with us, we risk shame. We risk danger. We start to focus on our reputation, our wealth, our things.
It is in these moments that we can say: “Oh, God! You are here with me”. Sometimes we forget, and that is okay. It is a practice to bring ourselves into the present moment, with our self and with our Higher Power. Like all practices it takes time and effort.
We can practice habits to remind us. Many of us do Step One every morning. Many of us do Step Ten every day and evening. Some of us meditate, some of us pray, some of us do Yoga. The specifics are not important, rather it is the process of becoming grounded and present. For when we are present we are with reality. In reality we can surrender those external things that befuddle the mind. We can return to the truth. It is us and our Higher Power – always.